


I Hope You Find The Sea

by pealizard



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Chronic Illness, Fluff and Angst, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Major Illness, Not Canon Compliant, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-10
Updated: 2021-02-10
Packaged: 2021-03-16 05:40:48
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 35,777
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29327169
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pealizard/pseuds/pealizard
Summary: Goshiki worms his way into Shirabu’s life, which may be the best or worst thing to happen to the younger setter.
Relationships: Goshiki Tsutomu/Shirabu Kenjirou
Comments: 4
Kudos: 16





	I Hope You Find The Sea

**Author's Note:**

> This comes from a mixture of personal experiences and the internet (but mostly the internet) so, please, if there’s anything I can fix up, please let me know. ❤️

Shirabu sat in the common area with his study group. They came together quite frequently, but especially recently due to exam season coming up. Shirabu was lost in his task by the time his friends were looking up at something. He turned to look and immediately regretted it as his eyes landed on Goshiki Tsutomu. His face settled into an automatic glare.

“What?”

“Can you help me study?”

“Can’t you find someone your own age to help you?”

Goshiki sighed and glared back, “No.”

_ “No?” _

“I don’t know anyone enough to ask for help.”

Shirabu rolled his eyes and opened his mouth to insult Goshiki for not having friends when Shirabu’s best friend spoke first.

“We’ll help you! Sit with us!”

Goshiki’s head snapped to him as his glare fell into surprise. He nodded enthusiastically and bowed before sitting in the only empty seat between two second years, separating him thankfully from his setter by one body. The helpful second year smiled at him and tapped the table.

“I’m Kubo Toshiyuki! What’s your name?”

“Goshiki Tsutomu! Thank you for helping me!”

“Sure, what subject is it?”

Goshiki pulled his textbook out of his book before presenting it to him, “Chem two! It just doesn’t make sense to me, I tried.”

Shirabu frowned and leaned across his friend to snatch the book from him, “Chem  _ two?  _ What are  _ you  _ doing in an advanced class?”

Goshiki leaned over and snatched it back,  _ “All  _ of my classes are advanced, thanks. I’m not  _ stupid.” _

“I didn’t  _ say  _ you’re stupid, but why be in that class if you obviously can’t handle it?”

“Because this is what’s at my level. I’d rather struggle a bit and ask for help than breeze through a class that’s below my level. Make sense?”

Shirabu blinked at him before slowly glaring, “Don’t be condescending.”

“I apologize. I’m just frustrated.”

Kubo took the book from him, “What chapter?”

“Twenty one.”

“Ah.  _ Le Chatelier's Principle.” _

“Yeah.”

“That’s when a stress is applied to a chemical system at equilibrium, the equilibrium will shift to relieve the stress.”

“...Yeah,” Goshiki breathed.

Shirabu raised his eyebrows as he leaned on his hand, watching with a bored and unimpressed expression. The other second years continued working on their own things, save for another boy who sat directly beside Kubo.

“Basically, you can use it to predict the direction of a chemical reaction in response to change of conditions.”

“Conditions?” Goshiki furrowed his brow.

“Yeah!” The other second year said enthusiastically as he pointed at him with his pencil, “Like temperature, concentration, volume or pressure!”

“Oh, okay. It’s also these  _ formulas.  _ I just don’t understand how to apply them.”

Kobu smiled and got out a paper, “See, it’s all dependent on the  _ conditions,  _ right?”

“Sure.”

Shirabu blinked slowly as Goshiki leaned over to watch his friend’s pencil as he wrote notes. He was beyond irritated at the intrusion, but didn’t want to cause too big a scene in front of his friends. They didn’t understand the volleyball world and the pressures that came with it. Mostly, they didn’t understand  _ Goshiki.  _ They  _ especially  _ wouldn’t understand because for some reason the spiker was behaving like an actual, real life human being. He slowly tore his dead gaze from his teammate and went back to his own work, tuning the chemistry out to allow room for the vocabulary he needed to memorize.

He glanced back up once nothing hit his ears at all. Goshiki was working diligently over his notebook with his brows knit tightly above his eyes. He’d pause occasionally to glance back at his textbook, but for once, he was entirely silent. Shirabu glanced around at his friends who were all back to work on their own things. He furrowed his own brow before going back to his vocabulary words feeling disturbed.

“Is this right?”

Shirabu glanced back up as Goshiki slid his book over to Kobu. The second year glanced over the paper before beaming and nodding.

“Yeah! I think you got it!”

Goshiki smiled proudly as he glanced from Kobu to his book, “Thank you! You were a lot of help!”

“You’re a quick learner!”

Goshiki pressed his lips together to keep from smiling too hard, but it was a poor effort. His happiness seeped from every pore as he started packing his books back up. Kobu put a hand over his closed textbook before he could pick it up.

“You don’t have to leave.”

“Oh,” Goshiki glanced at Shirabu, who watched once again with his fist supporting his cheek. “I’ve intruded long enough! Besides, I think I get it now!”

“You’re not intruding.”

Goshiki smiled at Kobu and shrugged before bowing, “I appreciate your help.”

“Sure.”

The second year removed his hand from the book and Goshiki finished packing up before standing, “Thank you!”

“Yeah! Any time!”

They watched Goshiki go and the minute they felt he was out of earshot, Kobu frowned at Shirabu.

“He’s your kōhai, you know. Why didn’t you want to help him?”

Shirabu sighed, “That wasn’t  _ anything  _ like how I know him to be. Normally he’s so loud and annoying.”

“I don’t see it,” the other second year said. “He was very open to direction.”

“Yeah, well,” Shirabu sighed again and shrugged. “Like I said, that was very out of character for the Goshiki I know.”

Kobu pursed his lips and tapped his pencil against his book before laughing, “Well, I  _ like  _ him! He’s like a little puppy.”

“Ugh, you sound like Tendō-san,” Shirabu muttered.

“Don’t say  _ that,”  _ Kobu laughed harder. “He seems like a good kid, that’s all.”

“Uh huh.”

—

About a month passed for Shirabu with no more strange interactions with his teammate. He once again sat in the common area with his study group. They were loudly debating something from their law class when Goshiki ran over, shouting and waving a paper above his head. Shirabu immediately fell silent as anger and humiliation swelled within him.

_ “Kobu-senpai! Hey! Kobu-senpai!” _

“Can you  _ be quiet?”  _ Shirabu turned and nearly hissed.

Goshiki slowed in his run, but whisper-shouted still,  _ “Look!” _

Kobu beamed at him as he presented the paper to him with both hands. He took the paper and stared down at it before throwing his hands up in excitement.

“An A!”

Goshiki bowed lowly to him, “Thanks to your tutoring!”

“No, you earned this!”

Goshiki beamed at him as he handed the paper back and stared down at his test, “I wouldn’t have understood if you didn’t help me!”

“I wouldn’t have helped if you didn’t ask!”

Goshiki blinked at him slowly, something seemingly striking him deeply before he bowed again, “Ah. Thank you. Really!”

“Sure.”

Goshiki smiled again before turning on his heel to walk away. Shirabu stopped him and plucked the paper from his hand.

“Hey!”

Shirabu held a hand up to him, “Just let me look. I don’t believe you didn’t cheat.”

_ “I didn’t cheat.” _

“Yeah, but you got an A. Forgive my skepticism.”

Goshiki crossed his arms and glowered at him as he examined the test. The setter furrowed his brow at the very neat writing, showing all of his work thoroughly. He turned the page back to the front and saw the perfectness of his printing where he put his name. Shirabu hummed flatly and thrusted the paper back to Goshiki, who took it harshly.

“Satisfied?”

“I’m sure you cheated.”

_ “How?” _

“I don’t need to cheat, so I don’t know the tricks.”

“Whatever.”

Shirabu stared forward as Goshiki walked away with significantly less pep in his step. Kobu leaned forward and glared at him.

“Seriously, what is your issue with him? He was excited because he did well on something he struggled with.”

“He has you fooled, Kobu.”

_ “How?  _ He’s more pure than… Than a… Than a fresh pup playing in a flowery meadow beneath a rainbow!”

Shirabu shut his book,  _ “No!  _ He’s actually a brat. You praise him so he’s like a lapdog. Careful, because you’re creating a monster.”

“A  _ monster?”  _ Kobu laughed. “I dunno, I think you need to give him a shot. You’re like a grumpy old man shaking his cane at the kid playing on your front lawn. Just let him have fun.”

Shirabu rolled his eyes, “Whatever. You’ll see eventually. He’s not leaving you alone ever at this point.”

“I’m fine with that.”

—

It was only two days later that Shirabu and Kobu walked together between classes that Goshiki found them. They stopped and stared at the tall first year.

“Kobu-senpai!”

“Goshiki-kōhai, what’s up?”

Goshiki rifled through his bag before presenting a small tupperware with both hands, “Tendō-senpai helped me make this to pay you back for your tutoring.”

“Oh? It really wasn’t a big deal, but what is it?”

“Fudge!”

Kobu hummed delightedly before peeling the top off and the sweet smell of chocolate hit Shirabu’s nose. Kobu beamed and offered it to Shirabu and the setter pursed his lips before reluctantly taking a piece, thanking his friend quietly.

Goshiki beamed as Kobu took a piece as well and melted at the taste, “You really made this?”

“I mean… Tendō-senpai really  _ made it,  _ made it. But I helped!”

“It’s really good!” Kobu exclaimed before elbowing Shirabu. “Dontcha think?”

The setter nodded, “Yes.”

Goshiki balked at him, “You really think so?”

Shirabu rolled his eyes, “Tendō-senpai did all the work. He’s an exceptional baker. Close your mouth.”

Goshiki’s shocked expression melted into an evil grin as he stared walking by them, “You still inadvertently complimented me!”

Shirabu scoffed and turned to follow him with his eyes, “I did no such thing.”

“You did!” Goshiki called back.

“Thanks for the fudge!” Kobu called.

Goshiki laughed and turned back to face them as he waved, “Thanks for the help!”

Kobu removed another piece of fudge as they started back towards their next class, “I’m gonna help him study  _ everyday  _ if I get desserts outta it. I mean, it’s not  _ necessary  _ but it is a  _ very  _ sweet perk.”

Shirabu snorted amusedly out of his nose, “Puns are the lowest form of comedy.”

“Oh, you  _ know  _ what comedy is?”

Shirabu balked indignantly at him, “Of  _ course  _ I know what comedy is.”

Kobu snickered, “Prove it.”

_ “Prove it?” _

“Yeah! Tell me a joke!”

“A joke, sure,” Shirabu thought. “What did the daddy tomato do when the baby tomato fell behind on their tomato walk?”

“What?”

“Stomped on him and said  _ ketchup!” _

Kobu blinked at him before whispering,  _ “Tomato-cide?  _ That’s comedy?”

Shirabu sighed loudly, “If you want  _ good  _ jokes you need to ask in advance.”

Kobu laughed hard at him, “That isn’t how comedy works.”

“Sure it is!” Shirabu crossed his arms. “What about stand up comics? You think they don’t workshop their material and just  _ wing it?” _

“Okay, that isn’t how  _ being funny  _ works, then.”

“So, I’m not funny?”

“You’re funny in the way where you don’t mean to be,” Kobu snorted before passing the fudge to him. “Eat more of this, you’re better off with your mouth full for this conversation.”

“Wow,” Shirabu breathed as he took another piece of the dessert.

—

Shirabu glared down at his flashcards when someone knocked at his door. He gladly threw the cards down and stood to answer it. He pulled the door open, saw Goshiki standing there and immediately moved to close it again, but the spiker put his hand out to prevent the action.

“Why are you here?” Shirabu anguished.

“Are you and Kobu-senpai roommates or something?”

Shirabu sighed and pulled the door fully open again as he resigned to his fate of the conversation, “No.”

“What do you mean, no?” Goshiki frowned as he glanced at the number beside the door. “This was the room he gave me.”

“Why were you going to his room anyway?”

“He asked me to study with him.”

“And he told you to come to  _ this  _ room?”

“Yes.”

Shirabu and Goshiki glared at each other for a long moment in confused silence. The setter sighed and squeezed his eyes shut as his brain did anything it could to justify the situation. He finally landed on thinking that Kobu would simply show up momentarily. He threw the door open and gestured broadly to the room.

Goshiki frowned further and glanced inwards, “What?”

_ “Are you coming in?” _

“I guess.”

The spiker shuffled awkwardly into the room and glanced around as Shirabu all but slammed the door shut and slumped back at his desk. After a moment he glared back at Goshiki.

“Are you going to sit or stand there forever?”

“Where should I sit?”

“Are you seriously asking me where you should  _ sit?” _

“It’s rude to just invite yourself to someone’s bed,” Goshiki gestured vaguely to the only available seat in the room.

“Just  _ sit,  _ Goshiki. Stop being weird.”

Goshiki sighed and sat on the edge of the bed before taking his notes out. They worked in focused, diligent silence for about twenty five minutes before Shirabu felt his intense gaze boring into the back of his head.

“What?”

“Is he coming?”

Shirabu sighed and glanced at the clock, “I don’t think so.”

“Why would he do this?”

“I wish I had an answer.”

“What are you studying?”

Shirabu sighed harshly again and threw his hand down onto the desk, “I’m  _ trying  _ to memorize my vocabulary words.”

“Do you need help?”

“Yeah, help by being quiet.”

Goshiki frowned and sighed quietly before going back to his own work. After only five minutes he glanced back up.

“I think I should just go.”

“Do what you want.”

Goshiki began packing up when he paused. He was bent over the side of the bed with his hand still on his textbook in his bag. He frowned deeply at the floor.

“Why don’t you like me?”

Shirabu froze as he gripped his flashcards tightly, “What?”

Goshiki sat up more fully, “I want to know why you don’t like me. You always have  _ some  _ problem with me and I want to know why.”

“I don’t dislike you.”

“Then why do you act like it?”

“I don’t.”

Goshiki nodded as he started towards the door, “Alright.”

Just as the spiker was about to reach for the doorknob, the door pushed open, revealing Kobu. Goshiki immediately beamed and Shirabu cursed at his books. 

“There he is!” Kobu exclaimed before noticing his bag. “You’re leaving?”

“Uh, yeah!” Goshiki practically bounced where he stood. “I didn’t think you were going to show up.”

Kobu rubbed the back of his neck and laughed awkwardly as he slowly shut the door behind him, “Ah, yeah.  _ Sorry.  _ I got a bit held up with Kohaku.”

“Kohaku?” Goshiki watched him with wide eyes as he sat on the bed.

“Yeah, he’s my boyfriend.”

_ “Oh!”  _ Goshiki eagerly sat beside him and leaned forward. “Boyfriend? You’re gay?”

_ “Goshiki,”  _ Shirabu scolded.

Goshiki glanced back at him with red cheeks and Shirabu’s heart stalled. Kobu shook his hand dismissively as he got his books out.

“Yeah, I’m gay! Why?”

“Me too!”

Shirabu sat back slightly in surprise, “You are?”

Goshiki glanced at him again before beaming back at Kobu, “I never met someone else who’s openly gay! That’s  _ so  _ cool!”

Kobu laughed loudly, “It isn’t  _ cool.” _

“It’s so cool!” Goshiki shouted. “Everyone is just  _ cool  _ with it?”

“Yep! Mostly, anyway. But those other people don’t matter.”

Shirabu watched Goshiki more closely as he spoke excitedly, demanding every detail of Kohaku. His face was flushed with his excitement and his hair appeared to be freshly washed. Shirabu slowly frowned as he found himself actually  _ evaluating  _ Goshiki and the spiker was actually  _ passing  _ that evaluation. His large t-shirt hung loosely over his frame and shifted around as he gestured largely. His lips were pressed firmly together in a smile as he listened. What  _ really  _ impressed Shirabu was how he appeared to  _ actually  _ be listening. He wasn’t just waiting for his turn to speak, he was actually enthralled by the  _ very  _ boring stories Kobu listed off.

He startled as Goshiki laughed loudly, and it didn’t sound annoying. It sounded bright and genuine. The spiker turned to look at Shirabu and pointed at Kobu.

“Did you  _ hear  _ that?”

“What?”

Goshiki turned back and the corners of his eyes crinkled as he laughed again, “Ah. You had to hear him say it! Wouldn’t be as good if I just repeated it.”

Shirabu frowned as he realized Goshiki just refused the opportunity to steal a laugh for himself. Was he really  _ that  _ wrong about who the spiker was? His eyes slowly shifted to Kobu, who was already staring at him. His friend smirked quickly before continuing his conversation with Goshiki.

“Do you have a boyfriend?” Kobu asked.

Shirabu’s ears pricked, still shocked at the knowledge that his teammate was gay.

“Nah.”

“Why not? Surely it wouldn’t be hard for you.”

Goshiki laughed as he ran his hand over his reddening cheek, “Like I said, I don’t know any gay people! Even if I did, though, I doubt they’d be okay with how much time I spend on volleyball!”

“You wouldn’t just adjust your schedule?”

Goshiki’s face fell serious as he vigorously shook his head, “No! My priority is improving! I want to play professionally and I still have a long way to go, as much as I hate saying that.” He paused. “Only, I don’t! I guess there’s always the next step!”

Kobu laughed, “What?”

“I just mean that it feels good to improve! I know there’s still a  _ lot  _ of room for growth and while that feels kind of bad, it still means that I’ll improve a lot!”

“You sure are enthusiastic!”

_ “Passionate!”  _ Goshiki beamed. “I  _ love  _ volleyball. It makes me so happy. I love my team, too! I’m very thankful to play here.”

Kobu glanced back up to Shirabu, who didn’t look at them. The setter was very busy pretending to study his flashcards, but really he was listening very intently.

“I bet your team is thankful you play here, too.”

Goshiki laughed before glancing at Shirabu only to see him preoccupied, “Ah, I annoy them! They just can’t handle me, though! I don’t mind so much.”

“You don’t annoy them,” Kobu shook his head. “I bet it’s nice to play with passionate people.”

Goshiki was about to respond when an alarm went off on his phone. He blushed again and quickly turned it off before hurriedly standing, not needing to pack as they never actually studied.

“I’m sorry,” he bowed to Kobu, “I need to go. Thank you very much for this conversation. It’s nice knowing I’m not alone here!”

“Where are you going?” Shirabu asked.

Goshiki jumped slightly before barely glancing at him and bowing, “Back to my room. I have something I need to do. Thank you for allowing me to study here.”

“Yeah, sure.”

Goshiki waved largely at them as he beamed at Kobu, “Goodnight!”

“Goodnight!” Kobu called back as Shirabu muttered, “Goodbye.”

The door closed heavily behind the spiker and Shirabu actively avoided Kobu’s heavy gaze.

“Why didn’t you tell him?”

“Tell him what?”

“That you’re gay.”

Shirabu turned his back to him as he faced his desk again, “It isn’t relevant.”

“Isn’t it?”

Shirabu looked up at the wall and placed his cards down, “Excuse me?”

“Could you have  _ been  _ more blatant in your staring?”

Shirabu turned and anguished at him, “Was it that bad?”

“All I’m saying is if a cop was present he’d have his eye on you.”

The setter slumped in his seat and turned his head to the ceiling before placing his hands over his eyes and groaning loudly, “Do you think he noticed?”

“Nah.”

Shirabu raised one hand to peek at him, “Really?”

“If he did, he did a  _ great  _ job of hiding it.”

“Ugh, thank  _ god.” _

“You changing your mind about him or something?”

“No.”

Kobu sighed and threw his pencil down, “Stop  _ lying.” _

“I’m not.”

“I  _ saw  _ you checking him out.”

“He’s pretty. But he’s still  _ annoying.” _

“Ah, grumpy old man.”

—

Shirabu glanced around the gym the next day at practice. There was absolutely no sign of the overly enthusiastic spiker. He slowly made his way to Ushijima.

“Hey, do you know if Goshiki is showing up today? We were going to practice lineshots.”

Ushijima nodded slightly, “He has a doctor’s appointment.”

“Oh? Is everything alright?”

“I would assume so.”

Shirabu pursed his lips and nodded stiffly, “Alright. Thanks.”

“You’re welcome.”

The setter wandered away before settling into a different drill with a different player. His mind was fixated on the weirdness of the appointment and the weirdness of thinking it was weird that he had an appointment. People  _ had  _ appointments. Perhaps it was just the way it occurred during practice after he spoke the night previous about how much he  _ loved  _ volleyball. It certainly wasn’t that he was disappointed by his absence. Absolutely not.

Shirabu sat with his study group in the common area and tapped his pencil against his book. He kept checking over his shoulder whenever he heard someone enter the room, fully expecting Goshiki to run over to them yelling. It wasn’t that the first-year sat with them often at all, but he bonded on a personal level with Kobu and he fully expected him to stick to his side like a barnacle. After about an hour and a half of strange glances from Kobu and absolutely no new information retained, Shirabu called it quits. He stood after packing his things up and bid his friends a good night before moving to his room to prepare for the bath.

Once he was washed and properly dressed in casual wear, Shirabu wandered around the dorm. He wondered if anyone even  _ heard  _ from Goshiki. What a  _ long  _ appointment it must’ve been. He was just about to give up and return to his room, frustrated and angered by his own failure to understand the sudden care he had for the boy when he nearly ran into him.

Shirabu and Goshiki both jumped back in surprise at their collision before the setter leaned forward and squinted at him. The spiker avoided his eye and attempted to turn away, but the setter let him do no such thing. He squinted at his red nose and cheeks.

“Do you have a  _ sunburn?” _

“No,” Goshiki took a step back. “Why are you in this hall?”

“Did you even  _ have  _ an appointment?”

“Of course I did. What?”

“Then why do you have a  _ sunburn?”  _ Shirabu glanced at his bag, “And why are you just getting back now?”

“Why all the questions?” Goshiki sighed and tried pushing past him.

Shirabu held him back, “Because you  _ ditched.  _ Who does that after talking about how much they  _ love  _ volleyball?”

“I have a headache,” Goshiki sighed as his shoulders slumped. “Can I please go?”

“A headache from your day in the sun?”

“Oh, my god.”

“Just admit you ditched practice and I’ll leave you alone.”

Goshiki blinked heavily before scratching over his red cheeks harshly with his nails, “Fine. I ditched. Can I go?”

Shirabu eyed him strangely before tearing his hands from his face, “Why are you itching? Doesn’t that hurt your sunburn?”

_ “I want to go to bed.” _

Goshiki tore his hands away from Shirabu before pushing past him and going to the second door on the left. The setter stared on in stunned silence as he moped away. His shock slowly turned to anger. He decided that he most certainly did not misjudge the spiker in the least.

Shirabu scoffed and turned to go back to his own room.

_ ‘This is why you don’t  _ care  _ about people,’  _ Shirabu thought bitterly.  _ ‘At least I caught this early.’ _

—

“Where’s Goshiki?” Tendō asked after the third practice he hadn’t shown up for.

“Coach suspended him,” Semi muttered. “Apparently he ditched practice. He said ‘if he doesn’t want to show up then he can have what he wants’.”

Shirabu frowned. He certainly hadn’t told the coach about him ditching, so who did? He looked over to Akakura as he threw a ball against the wall and caught it before doing it all over again.

“Yeah, but he hasn’t been showing up to class, either.”

“What?” Tendō frowned. “Is he okay?”

Akakura shrugged, “I dunno. We don’t really talk. I saw him in the bath, but I’m pretty sure he was asleep.”

“What?” Shirabu asked.

Akakura laughed, “He probably has a flu or something. Kinda irresponsible to be in the bath at all. Asleep or otherwise.”

Shirabu hummed flatly before turning his attention back to practice. He didn’t want to fall back into the same trap of caring for him, but he had the sneaking suspicion he wasn’t right once again. The feeling of not being able to make an accurate judgement of the spiker was eating away at him. He decided he’d go check on him even if it was just for his own peace of mind.

After he showered and changed, he slowly made his way to Goshiki’s room. He knocked quietly on the door then knocked harder when nothing happened the first time. He stepped back and glanced at the bottom of the door where there was no light shining through. He frowned and glanced at the empty hall before knocking harder until he heard movement from within. He didn’t retract his assaulting fist until the door opened.

He frowned deeply immediately as Goshiki stood before him in sweat marked pajamas. His hair stuck messily to his forehead and his eyes looked deeply exhausted. His cheeks and nose still sported their deep red state. Shirabu opened his mouth to speak, but couldn’t find words.

“What?” Goshiki asked hoarsely.

“You’re sick.”

“Uh, yeah.”

“You were fine a few days ago.”

“Yep.”

Shirabu glanced around him at the dark room, but couldn’t see much behind him, “Are yo—“

“No offense, but do you need something? I want to go to sleep.”

Shirabu frowned harder, “Can I come in?”

Goshiki blinked heavily a few times and his eyes appeared glossy, “Huh?”

Shirabu pointed into the room, “Can I come in?”

“Oh. I guess.”

Goshiki moped out of the doorway and immediately flopped back into his bed. Shirabu slowly moved in and turned the desk lamp on before moving to shut the door quietly. He glanced around the room and noted the disposable water bottles. Goshiki laid with his face in his pillows and his blanket around his feet. He was sweaty, but he was shivering.

Shirabu sighed as guilt ate at him. He glanced around before moving to the closet and opened it up. He found fresh sheets and turned back before staring blankly at Goshiki who hadn’t moved in the least.

“Can you get up?”

He sighed and moved to the bed. Goshiki shifted slightly to look up at him.

“What?”

Shirabu held the sheets up, “I need to change your sheets. Can you get up?”

Goshiki buried his face into the pillow again, “Why are you trying to take care of me?”

“Because someone needs to. Why aren’t you at home right now?”

Goshiki groaned as he struggled to stand again, then slowly crossed to his desk chair where he laid his head again, “I don’t want to talk about it.”

“Okay.”

Shirabu made quick work of changing the sheets out before fixing the pillows again. He approached Goshiki, who already appeared to be asleep again. He slowly reached a hand out and placed it on his back.

“You can get back in bed.”

“I’m not moving,” Goshiki breathed.

“You’ll be more comfortable not moving in bed.”

“I’m too tired.”

“Okay, get in bed and you can sleep.”

Goshiki glanced up at him before sighing and struggling to stand. Shirabu stepped back to give him ample space to move in. The spiker crashed harshly in the bed and immediately curled into himself. The setter approached slowly and placed his blanket over his legs and hips.

“You should stay covered.”

Shirabu blinked at him as he lifted his hand back to his face and started scratching at his cheek again. He reached down and removed his hand from his face.

“Stop.”

“Ugh.”

“I’ll be right back.”

Shirabu moved back to the closet and found a thick washcloth before taking it to the bathroom and running it under hot water. He walked quickly back to Goshiki’s room so it wouldn’t lose too much heat, then sat hesitantly on the edge of the bed. He pressed the cloth onto his forehead and cheeks to help keep his skin at least clean for the time being.

Goshiki turned his face into the cloth, likely enjoying the wetness of it and the coolness that wetness left behind. Shirabu frowned at him.

“How long have you had a fever for?”

“Two days.”

“Is that a sunburn on your cheeks?”

_ “No.” _

“Is it a rash?”

Goshiki fell silent and Shirabu raised an eyebrow as he lifted the cloth from his face. Goshiki peeked up at him.

“You keep scratching it. Is it a rash?”

“Yes.”

“You need to go see a doctor.”

“I already  _ saw  _ a doctor,” Goshiki muttered.

“A rash and fever means doctor, Goshiki.”

“No.”

“Have you been throwing up?”

“No.”

“Are you sensitive to light?”

Goshiki glanced at the lamp before glaring back forward, “No.”

“Don’t lie to me.”

“Fine.”

“Is that light bothering you?”

“It hurts my eyes.”

“I think this is a medical emergency.”

Goshiki did his best to push his hand away, “No it isn’t.”

Shirabu stared angrily down at him,  _ “Yes.” _

“Oh, my god. Go away.”

“Plus this change in personality. You need to see a doctor.”

_ “No.” _

“Why? You want to die from this?”

Goshiki peeked up at him again, “I’m not dying. I have a  _ fever.  _ Relax.”

“At least  _ call  _ the doctor.”

“When I wake up.”

“What was your temperature?”

Goshiki sighed and tried pushing him away again,  _ “Go.” _

“What was your temperature?”

“100.5.”

“When was the last time you checked?”

“I dunno.”

_ “When was the last time you checked?” _

Goshiki let out a shaky sigh and turned his face back into the pillow, “It’s fine. Let me sleep it off.”

“When’s the last time you were properly up? How long did you sleep before I woke you?”

“I dunno.”

_ “Goshiki.” _

The spiker sighed again and placed his hand over Shirabu’s that held the cloth against his face, “Please trust me. It’s fine.”

“It  _ isn’t fine.” _

“You need to trust me. This is fine.”

Shirabu narrowed his eyes and nearly hissed, “How? How is this  _ fine?” _

“If it gets higher I’ll see a doctor. There’s no need right now.”

“You have a rash. You need to see a doctor  _ now.” _

“Listen. Either stay and let me sleep or leave.”

_ “I can’t watch you neglect your health like this.” _

“Then go. I’m not neglecting anything.”

“This isn’t like you.”

“I’m  _ exhausted.  _ I just want to sleep.”

Shirabu studied his face closely. His eyes moved behind their lids and his shivering stopped. Shirabu slowly moved his hand out from under his.

“I’m not stupid, Shirabu-san.”

“Then see a doctor.”

“I’ve seen my doctor. I’m doing what I’m supposed to be doing, okay?”

“What?”

“Let me sleep.”

“You should take some medicine if you haven’t.”

“I already did.”

“Recently?”

“Uh huh.”

“Okay.”

Shirabu slowly stood and stared down at Goshiki as he pulled the blanket over himself. He gripped the cloth tightly in his hands before tearing his eyes away and turning to turn the desk lamp off. He waited for his eyes to adjust to the darkness and moved to the door. He froze when Goshiki whispered.

“I’m sorry. For being difficult.”

Shirabu shrugged, “It’s understandable.”

“Thank you.”

“For?”

“Worrying.”

“I’m not worried.”

Goshiki chuckled, “Sure.”

“Hey,” Shirabu turned, “Did you tell Coach you ditched?”

Goshiki was silent for so long that Shirabu was certain he fell asleep again. He turned back to the door and the spiker whispered again.

“Yeah.”

The setter turned back, “Why?”

“Because I knew this was coming but I didn’t want to explain.”

“You knew it was coming?”

“I don’t want to explain.”

“Okay.”

“Thanks.”

“For?”

“Not making me explain.”

“Uh, you’re welcome?”

He blinked slowly at the spiker, then turned back to the door. He actually made it there that time and slipped out of the door while attempting to let in the smallest amount of light as possible. He sighed and stared down at the cloth in his hand before quickly moving to his room, deciding he needed a long shower.

—

Shirabu left Goshiki alone after that day. He didn’t feel strong enough to bother him. Flu or no flu, he felt like an asshole for doubting him— for  _ accusing  _ him of anything different than the truth. It was also wildly unsettling seeing the spiker in such an irritable and lethargic mood.

He once again sat with his study group in the common area, vaguely registering their silly argument. He was entirely fixated on his own shortcomings as not only an upperclassman but as a fellow human. He was thoroughly examining his pencil whe Kobu perked up.

“Hey, it’s you! Where’ve you been?”

Shirabu turned in his seat and was greeted by the sight of Goshiki waving largely at them with a smile.

“Sorry! Caught a bug or something!”

Kobu laughed, “Don’t apologize for being sick!”

Goshiki bounced over to them and Shirabu cringed inwardly at the dark circles around his eyes, pale skin and noticeable weight loss. The spiker leaned down over Shirabu’s shoulder to examine his notes and the setter scrunched his face up at the scent of sunscreen.

“You have neat handwriting. I aspire!” Goshiki laughed.

“Have you eaten anything?”

“That’s actually where I was going.”

“Eat fish.”

“Fish?”

“Yeah, it’s good for you.”

Goshiki stared at him for a second before standing straight again and pressing his fingers to his forehead. Shirabu frowned as he laughed and nodded.

“Sure, fish.”

Shirabu turned in his chair to watch him go before frowning deeply, “Are you  _ limping?” _

“Oh,” Goshiki turned as he laughed. “Just a bit stiff from being in bed for days! It’s all good!”

“Uh, alright. Potassium, too.”

“Sure. Banana?”

“Banana.”

He watched Goshiki limp with his seemingly stiff hips until he was gone before turning and startling at Kobu’s intense glare.

“What was up with that? You two are just friends now?”

Shirabu pressed his hands into his face, “I accused him of ditching practice for no reason and said he didn’t really have an appointment before he got sick.”

“That’s mean but not entirely out of character,” Kobu said. “No offense.”

“Yeah, but you should’ve  _ seen  _ him. He was like… A kicked puppy. It was  _ bad.  _ He wasn’t himself at  _ all.  _ He was just  _ sad,  _ I don’t know. Sick. Quiet. Irritated.”

“I thought he was loud and annoying? Would’ve thought you would  _ enjoy  _ that change.”

“Yeah, if it was out of his  _ free will.  _ It was like his own body was kicking his ass for something. I don’t know.”

Kobu smirked and leaned forward, “Sounds like you  _ care  _ about him.”

“I don’t  _ “care about him”  _ care about him. It’s just— No one deserves that. He was a husk of himself. No one deserves that.”

Kobu nodded, “Whatever helps ya sleep at night.”

—

Months passed without incident. Shirabu found himself checking in on the spiker quite frequently and he even joined their study group. The setter didn’t mind so much as the spiker slowly started growing on him.

Shirabu sat at the table with the rest of the group, sans Goshiki. He was  _ supposed  _ to come but he wasn’t there.

“Where is he?” Kobu asked. “Did he say anything to you?”

“Uh, no,” Shirabu shook his head. “Maybe I should go find him.”

“I’ll come!”

“Sure.”

They left their things at the table with their friends before they made their way to Goshiki’s room. Shirabu frowned as he heard music coming from within before knocking loudly. He stepped back and shared a strange look with Kobu. Goshiki stopped the music and opened the door, revealing himself in casual wear.

“Oh, what’s up?”

Kobu pointed generally to the direction of the common area, “We’re supposed to be studying.”

“Oh!” Goshiki perked up. “I’m studying right now! Wanna come in?”

Shirabu and Kobu shared another look before the setter pointed again, “No, we’re  _ all  _ studying. You said you were coming, remember?”

Goshiki frowned, “No?”

“What?”

“That didn’t happen. What?”

Kobu pursed his lips and slapped Shirabu on the arm, “I’ll let you have this conversation.”

“Thanks,” Shirabu glared after him.

Goshiki smiled at Shirabu, “Come in!”

The setter sighed and moved into the room, “We’re supposed to be studying with the rest of them.”

Goshiki shut the door and whispered, “I need help with something.”

“With what?”

“Studying.”

“Okay?” Shirabu slowly shook his head at his rushed and hushed tone. “Let’s go to the group. Why are you acting weird?”

Goshiki frowned and sighed heavily with his hands on his hips, “I’m having trouble remembering.”

“Remembering what?”

The spiker crossed the room to his desk and pointed at his textbook, “I didn’t want to ask in front of that guy because I remember asking for help but I can’t remember what he said.”

Shirabu furrowed his brow, “That  _ guy?” _

“Yeah. That guy that was just with you.”

“Kobu?”

“Kobu,” Goshiki repeated and tapped the book. “I remember asking Kobu for help with this but I can’t remember what Kobu said.”

The setter blinked a few times and moved to look at the book, when his face immediately fell further.

“You’re playing me right now. Stop joking.”

“Joking? What?”

Shirabu glanced up at him and saw absolutely no humor on his face, “Yeah. Stop joking.”

“What was the joke?”

Shirabu closed the textbook and held it up, “You took chemistry two  _ last  _ term. You don’t need to know it anymore.”

Goshiki’s face turned from confusion, to anger, to blankness then back to confusion, “No? I have a test and I can’t remember what this part means. Why are you lying to me?”

“I’m not  _ lying  _ to you. There— What is happening? Why are you doing this?”

They glared at each other for a long moment when Goshiki’s phone rang in his pocket. He took it out, frowned at the screen then answered it.

“Hello? — No. —  _ What?  _ — That wasn’t today. — Oh. Okay. — Yeah. — I’m sorry. I’m sorry. — Yes. I will. — See you soon.”

Shirabu frowned as Goshiki’s face fell further and further the longer he spoke and listened for. He hung up the call and stared down at his phone with defeated eyes. The setter shifted uncomfortably as Goshiki stared down.

“Can I tell you something without you repeating it?”

Shirabu nodded, but spoke when Goshiki didn’t look up, “Yes.”

The spiker gripped his phone tightly, “I think I have lupus.”

Shirabu took a shocked step back, “What?”

“I’m in pain all the time,” Goshiki whispered. “I’m always so  _ tired  _ and it makes me so  _ mad  _ at everyone all the time. I get fevers all the time, too. I’ve had  _ three  _ different and  _ wrong  _ diagnoses. No one  _ believes me.” _

Shirabu felt his heart hammering against his chest, “You’ve told your doctor?”

“I’ve told  _ everyone  _ who needs to hear it. They just say “men don’t get that much, I’m sure it’s  _ this”  _ but it’s  _ never that.  _ Now my  _ brain—  _ I’m going to die from this before they diagnose me.”

Shirabu shook his head as he searched his brain for any words he could say at all. Goshiki’s expression became angrier the longer he thought for.

“I don’t even feel like me anymore. This  _ confusion  _ started a few months ago and I just feel  _ crazy.  _ I don’t even want to be awake when I am anymore. Nothing makes sense. Teachers sound like the adults from  _ Charlie Brown  _ and my grades are  _ slipping.  _ I’ve been trying to study more but it  _ doesn’t make sense.  _ Nothing makes sense. Ever. I’m so—“ Goshiki sighed. “You don’t care about this. Never mind. Sorry.”

Shirabu reached out to him and caught him by his shirt before he turned fully, “I— I care.”

Goshiki laughed quietly before humming flatly, then looked back with imploring eyes, “Why won’t anyone believe me?”

“I believe you.”

“I need a  _ doctor  _ to believe me.”

“Sit in their office and refuse to leave until they listen.”

Shirabu gripped his shirt tightly as he stared at the floor. Goshiki slowly turned back to look at him. Shirabu slowly looked up and met his eyes then really wished he hadn’t when he saw the hurt behind them.

“I’ve gone crazy.”

“No,” Shirabu shook his head. “No, you haven’t.”

“You don’t know how this feels.”

“I don’t. But you’re not crazy. I promise.”

“I’m scared that I have this disease and it attacked my brain. I’m scared of not ever being me again. I’m sc—“

“Sh,” Shirabu shushed quietly. “Don’t be afraid until you know. And then when you know, still don’t be afraid. Because once you know, then you’ll know how to fix it.”

_ “What if it can’t be fixed?”  _ Goshiki’s whisper tore through Shirabu’s chest.  _ “What if this is it forever?” _

Shirabu tore his hand away and yelled, “What good does what ifs do? How does that help?”

Goshiki pressed his lips together as he sunk back slightly.

“You go to your doctor! You  _ demand  _ answers! That’s their  _ job!  _ You are  _ not  _ stupid for thinking you know what’s happening in  _ your  _ body!  _ Then  _ you talk about forever! Got it?”

Goshiki slowly smiled, “Yeah. Got it.”

Shirabu huffed and crossed his arms, “Good.”

The spiker leaned down to pick up his bag before crossing it across his chest. He cocked his head at Shirabu and stared until the setter started getting uncomfortable.

“What?”

“Do you want to do something tonight?”

“What something?”

“I dunno. Something.”

“We have practice.”

Goshiki pointed to the door, “I have doctors.”

“Oh, right.”

Shirabu watched him slowly walk to the door with a smile on his face. The setter frowned the more the spiker smiled.

“What’s that look for?”

“I’m waiting for your answer.”

“I’ll think about it.”

Goshiki beamed and opened the door, “Do me a favor?”

“What?”

“Write down that you  _ may  _ be coming by later and put it somewhere I’ll see? And maybe put your name on there somewhere?”

“Why my name?”

Goshiki’s smile faltered, “Names are hard. I’m sorry.”

“You don’t remember my name?” Shirabu balked.

“Sometimes.”

The setter steeled his expression and nodded, “Okay. Demand answers.”

“I will. Bye!”

Shirabu sighed heavily as the door shut loudly behind Goshiki. He stared down at his shaking hands for a moment before turning to the desk to find paper. He stared at the chemistry textbook for a moment too long before staring at his notes. They were angry and messy with lots of things scribbled out. He placed a hand over it and sighed again. He pushed the used papers aside and grabbed his pencil before writing a note for him.

He held it up and read it over,  _ ‘Shirabu Kenjirō is coming at 8 tonight.’  _ before setting it down on his bed and quietly slipped from the room.

The setter returned to the spiker’s door at exactly seven fifty nine. He took a deep breath and knocked. He waited and leaned in when Goshiki called out.

“Shirabu Kenjirō,” he sang.

“That’s me,” Shirabu said flatly.

“Enter!”

Shirabu shook his head and bit down his smile as he entered the room. The spiker turned in his desk chair to present the note to him, then pointed at it.

“Notes are  _ helpful,  _ Shirabu.”

“I can only imagine. Did you demand answers?”

“Yes. They’re referring me to a rheumatologist. All it took was me crying on the top of my lungs!”

“That all?” Shirabu asked as he sat on the edge of the bed.

“That’s all!”

The setter scoffed, “So, what are we doing, then?”

Goshiki pursed his lips, “I dunno.”

“You didn’t think of anything to do after inviting me to do something?”

Goshiki laughed, “We could watch a movie.”

Shirabu nodded, “Okay.”

Goshiki glanced around, “I only have my phone.”

“That sounds terrible,” he paused. “No offense.”

The spiker laughed loudly again, his eyes crinkling with its force, “Agreed. I’d honestly probably fall asleep, anyway.”

Shirabu nodded and pointed to a thick book behind him, “What’s that?”

Goshiki looked down before picking it up,  _ “11/22/63. Stephen King.  _ I’ve read it a few times, my parents didn’t allow technology in the house. I thought maybe since I’ve read it before that it’d lift the fog, and it  _ kinda  _ helped.”

“It sounds like there’s a but coming.”

_ “But,”  _ Goshiki chuckled. “The past week has been hard and I can’t really process words when I read them.”

Shirabu nodded and reached out for the book and Goshiki happily handed it to him. The setter flipped through the pages before glancing up at Goshiki, who stared intently at the book.

“Would it help if I read it aloud?”

The spiker furrowed his brow and smiled, “I’m not sure. Is that something you’re willing to do?”

“It’s something I’m willing to try.”

Goshiki beamed and nodded, “Sure!”

Shirabu bit his cheek to keep from smiling and nodded as he opened the book to his current page.

“Wait, start from the beginning! I want you to love it as much as I do!”

Shirabu nodded again and turned to the front of the book as he slid back on the bed and began reading. He’d glance up occasionally, expecting Goshiki to look sleepy, but every time he only seemed more comfortable as he listened intently. He eventually glanced at the clock and saw it was approaching ten.

“I should go back to my own room soon.”

Goshiki nodded as he picked at his nails, “Yeah.”

Shirabu stared at him for a second before turning the page, “We may as well get to the next part first, though.”

Goshiki beamed but didn’t look up, “Yeah.”

—

They spent the next week in rare contact with each other. They saw each other at practice, but otherwise were too busy with their own things. Namely, Goshiki was spending a lot of time with “personal reasons”. Shirabu didn’t mind so much as long as it meant he was taking care of business.

He was scrolling through his phone when someone knocked on his door. He lowered his phone and sighed because he didn’t want to get up.

“What?”

“Shirabu,” Goshiki called in.

“Yeah, come in.”

The spiker pushed the door open and peeked in before smiling largely at him, “Hey!”

“Hello. What do you need?”

Goshiki moved into the room and held the book up, “Wanna read?”

Shirabu snorted through his nose, “I have a laptop. We can just watch a movie if you want to do something so badly.”

Goshiki glanced at the laptop on the desk and shrugged, “I prefer the book.”

Shirabu nodded and reached out for the book, “Okay.”

“Actually… Is it alright if I read?”

“Sure.”

Goshiki smiled and bounced inwards, every step causing him apparent pain. He went to sit on the floor beside the bed, but Shirabu caught him by his shirt before he got too far.

“Are you in pain?”

Goshiki stared at him with wide eyes, “I’ve been practicing with swollen knees.”

“Freakin’ idiot,” Shirabu breathed before sitting up and moving over. “Sit up here. Protect your joints.”

“You sure?”

“What? You think I’m gonna bite?”

Goshiki laughed then winced as he climbed onto the bed and settled against the pillows, “You may.”

Shirabu crossed his legs as he leaned against the wall, “Just read, arthritis puppy.”

Goshiki stared blankly at him for so long that Shirabu remembered Kobu telling him he isn’t funny and actually started agreeing when Goshiki laughed hard.

“Okay,” the spiker wheezed as he turned to the page they left on.

Shirabu watched his lips move as he read. Goshiki slowly furrowed his brow as he started reading slower and stumbled over words. Shirabu watched him with a blank expression as he slowly devolved into entire frustration and held the book out to Shirabu.

“It isn’t working.”

The setter pushed the book back, “Keep trying.”

“Why? It’ll be easier if you just do it.”

“Maybe, but there was a reason you wanted to read in the first place.”

“I read it’ll help with the mental fog, but it feels worse.”

Shirabu pressed his lips together and slowly shifted beside Goshiki, “We’ll read it together, then.”

Goshiki stared at him for a second then nodded before looking back to the book. They started reading together again, then Shirabu slowly tapered off, only chiming in when Goshiki struggled.

Shirabu stared at the page and heard Goshiki’s quiet voice, feeling his body get heavy. He glanced at the clock but didn’t have the heart to tell the spiker to go back to his room despite it getting late, he was doing so well. He glanced up at Goshiki, who also stared at the book with increasingly droopy eyes. Shirabu slowly reached out and took the book from his hands as his voice fell off.

“You should sleep.”

Goshiki’s eyes moved to him, “Yeah.”

The setter stood and placed the book on his desk before locking his door and turning the light off. Goshiki slowly shifted up in the bed, and Shirabu blinked until he could see through the darkness.

“You’re not making me leave?”

“We both know you’re not making it far right now.”

Goshiki chuckled humorlessly, “Yeah, true.”

Shirabu glanced down to his t-shirt and sweatpants before deciding it’d be fine to just sleep in that. He slowly crawled back into the bed and laid against the wall before pulling the blanket up. Goshiki sucked in a harsh breath as he moved his legs under the blanket. Shirabu held his breath as he waited for Goshiki to settle again. Their eyes met for a brief second before the setter rolled over to face the wall.

“Goodnight.”

“Goodnight.”

Shirabu woke the next morning and moved to stretch, but immediately recoiled as both his arm and leg hit something warm. He startled up and stared down at Goshiki, who slept deeply on his stomach. One of his arms hung off the side of the bed and he snored lightly. The setter frowned and leaned forward to see his face better. He snorted as he saw the way his cheek squished against the mattress and his hair lay messily over the pillow. He glanced at the clock and read six forty two. Then he reached out and gently rearranged the other boy’s hair back into its bowl cut then laid back and closed his eyes again.

When he woke again, he checked the clock and saw it was then ten twenty seven. He looked back over to Goshiki, who hadn’t moved a millimeter. Shirabu frowned and leaned over to look at him again. He slowly shook his shoulder, but got no reaction. He shook him harder and still got nothing.

“Hey, get up.”

Goshiki sniffed and swatted at his hand. Shirabu leaned closer to him.

_ “Wake up.” _

“Sh, not yet,” Goshiki mumbled into the mattress.

Shirabu frowned, “Wake up. It’s ten thirty.”

Goshiki grabbed his hand from his shoulder and pulled him down, “No. Shh, just  _ sleep.” _

“I’ve slept enough. So have you. Get up.”

Shirabu glared at him as he held him down by his arm. He leaned awkwardly over Goshiki’s side and stared at his moving eyes beneath his eyelids.

“Goshiki.”

The spiker’s eyes fluttered, but hardly opened enough to be considered  _ open. _

_ “Goshiki.” _

He made a sad attempt at speaking, but otherwise didn’t respond. Shirabu removed his arm from his clutches and removed himself from the bed. He glanced back at Goshiki and poked him hard in the forehead.

“I’m leaving.”

The spiker didn’t so much as stir, and Shirabu sighed. He turned and changed into his uniform before brushing his hair out. He pulled the door open and was confronted with Kobu standing with an extended fist. He immediately went to close the door again, but it was too late.

Kobu beamed evilly and pointed inward,  _ “This  _ is why you ditched us? I can hardly say I blame you now.”

“It’s not what it looks like,” Shirabu rushed to push him out of the way and close the door.

“Oh,” Kobu nodded and handed him his bag. “Goshiki  _ isn’t  _ in your bed then?”

Shirabu groaned loudly,  _ “Yes.  _ But not for the reason you’re thinking.”

“Then why?”

“We fell asleep while reading.”

“You were reading together in your bed?” Kobu raised an eyebrow as they walked to the cafeteria. “Like, reading what?”

“It’s a  _ Stephen King  _ book. It’s actually pretty good.”

“Wait, you were reading the  _ same  _ book?”

Shirabu glanced up before glowering at the floor,  _ “Yes.” _

“You’re such a loser,” Kobu laughed loudly. “You had a  _ pretty, gay boy  _ in your bed and you  _ read a book.” _

Shirabu bit his cheek to keep from snapping a justification. Goshiki trusted him and he needed to respect that trust, but he  _ didn’t  _ want his friend assuming he  _ wanted  _ Goshiki.

“It just isn’t  _ like  _ that, okay?”

“Then what  _ is  _ it like?” Kobu sighed. “Why can’t you just admit you  _ like  _ him?”

“Because I  _ don’t!” _

His friend raised his hands, “Alright, alright. You  _ don’t  _ like him then.”

_ “Thank you.” _

They walked in silence for a moment before Kobu scruffed his toe against the floor, “So when is your next reading date?”

“Oh, my  _ god.” _

When he returned to his room after eating, he found it was empty. There was, however, a note on his bed simply reading  _ ‘Thank you’.  _ Shirabu frowned and placed the paper on the desk before starting his laptop up to do some research.

—

The next time he saw Goshiki at practice, the spiker was lethargic to say the least. He moped around the court before eventually sitting on the bench with his head in his hands. Shirabu frowned as their coach lectured him loudly about showing up  _ prepared  _ to play, and how he must’ve not been taking it very seriously at all. Shirabu bit his anger down at the both of them. They all knew their coach was evil but Goshiki needed to defend himself.

The interaction quickly escalated to Goshiki being invited to leave and “get his beauty sleep” with the recommendation of “getting his shit together”. Shirabu stood back with the others and crossed his arms as the spiker left the gym. He moved along with practice in the physical, but in the mental he was fighting their coach and biting his head off every time he gave them any form of direction.

Once their practice was over, he stormed off the court and changed hurriedly to go check on Goshiki. Surely he’d be reeling from such public humiliation. He knocked at the spiker’s door repeatedly without receiving an answer. He frowned deeply and tried again.

“Goshiki?”

“Yeah?”

Shirabu quickly turned to see Goshiki smiling amusedly behind him. The setter’s shock quickly fell into a glare.

“I see you’re fine, then.”

“Why? Were you worried about me?”

“Coach tore you apart.”

Goshiki’s smile finally fell as he moved past him to unlock and open his door, “Yeah. He did.”

Shirabu followed him in and gazed around the neat room, “Where were you?”

“Dinner and buying this,” he held up a bottle of ibuprofen.

“Oh. For inflammation?”

“Uh huh.”

Goshiki threw himself onto the bed and placed his arm over his face. Shirabu leaned over and peered down at him until he moved his arm aside and peeked up.

“Yeah?”

“When is your appointment?”

“What appointment?”

“With the rheumatologist.”

“Oh. I dunno. I wrote it down on the calendar.”

Shirabu furrowed his brow and turned to the calendar on the wall. He double checked the entire sheet before turning back.

“It isn’t on here.”

“Keep flipping. I forget what month it is.”

Shirabu frowned further and flipped through the pages until finally finding it written smally in  _ February of next year.  _ Shirabu turned and pointed angrily at it.

“This is unacceptable.”

“It’s the soonest they could get me in, I guess,” Goshiki sighed.

Shirabu crossed his arms, “Demand a sooner appointment.”

“I had to cry to get  _ that,”  _ Goshiki gestured weakly to the calendar. “The best it gets.”

_ “It isn’t even kind of good.” _

“It is what it is.”

_ “It shouldn’t be.” _

Goshiki laughed when he glanced at his indignant face, “Why are you so outraged?”

_ “Because someone should be!  _ This is  _ ridiculous!” _

Goshiki laughed again and pointed to the desk, “Want to read? Take your mind off of it?”

Shirabu glanced at the book before sighing angrily and snatching it up. He climbed heavily onto the bed beside Goshiki and laid against his pillows as he opened it up.

“Can I read for the first part?”

“Yeah,” Goshiki grimaced as he rolled over.

Shirabu started reading quickly and loudly. The further they fell into the story, the more his voice slowed and evened.

“When Lee and Marina returned to the United States—“

Shirabu blinked slowly as he felt Goshiki’s head fall against his shoulder. He looked down at him and was  _ astonished  _ to see his eyes were still open.

“What are you doing?”

“I’m too tired to sit up.”

“Go to sleep, then.”

“But I want to hear you read.”

Shirabu sighed and adjusted slightly so his cheekbone no longer dug into his shoulder, “They’d live in a sad procession of low-rent apartments…”

He continued reading quietly until he heard Goshiki’s breathing become even. He looked down again and examined his face until he was satisfied that he was truly sleeping. He picked up the bookmark from the blanket while trying to move as little as possible.

The bookmark was clear resin encasing small flowers. Shirabu scoffed slightly at its feminine appearance before flipping it over and seeing the writing for the first time. Written in golden lettering was  _ ‘FELL ASLEEP HERE’.  _ Shirabu couldn’t help the laugh that escaped him before he placed the bookmark back into the book and set it aside. He shifted slightly down so his head laid against the pillow and stared at the ceiling for a long time. The natural light of the day shifted into the gold of the evening, falling over the room in warm, thin strips, only able to seep through the blinds to the best of its ability.

He slowly glanced back at Goshiki, who still slept with his cheek against his shoulder before readjusting his eyes upwards. He was so  _ warm.  _ It was nearly uncomfortable. Shirabu wondered if he’d be getting another fever soon and if it’d require medical attention. Then he wondered what anyone would even do for him.

“Probably tell him to rotate  _ Tylenol  _ and  _ Advil  _ and call it a day,” he muttered bitterly. “Maybe some heavy duty pain killers.”

He fell silent again and listened only to the sounds of Goshiki’s light snoring. He glanced back at him and remarked the pinkness in his cheeks. It was different from his sunburn rash, only something akin to a blush or overheatedness. Shirabu pursed his lips and looked back up.

“You’re lucky it’s summer vacation and I can do my homework as I please,” he whispered. “This is too much time spent being unproductive.”

After another long moment he looked back down and sighed, “But it isn’t unproductive for you, is it? Your body is busy. Fighting no real threat.”

He sighed heavily and shoved his anger down as he looked back to the ceiling and closed his eyes.

When he woke, it was dark. Goshiki had turned to face the other way, but was still sleeping. Shirabu sat up and groaned at the sandy feeling in his eyes. He looked down at the spiker as he stirred and eventually smiled up at him.

“I fell asleep.”

“I noticed.”

“I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay.”

Goshiki yawned and sat up while stretching. Shirabu crawled off the bed and began adjusting his uniform and hair. Goshiki watched him with red, hooded eyes.

“You slept too?”

“Yeah,” Shirabu said flatly. “I need to stop spending so much time asleep. It isn’t leaving much time for anything else.”

“Yeah, you should.”

The setter nodded and began moving towards the door, “Go eat some dinner.”

“Where are you going?”

“To get some dinner.”

“Want to just go together, then?”

Shirabu sighed and watched him fix his own uniform and hair, “I should spend some time with my friends. I haven’t seen them much recently.”

“Right,” Goshiki rubbed his face before smiling. “Tell Kobu-senpai I said hello!”

“Sure,” Shirabu whispered as he moved to the door.

“Can I ask you something before you go?”

“You just did.”

Goshiki was silent for a moment before he laughed loudly, “That’s funny. But seriously.”

“Yes,” the setter didn’t turn to look at him.

“Why are you suddenly being so nice to me?”

Shirabu frowned at the doorknob, “What do you mean?”

“It just seemed like… I don’t know. I don’t understand why you’re being so nice now.”

Shirabu glanced at him, “I’m not being nice.”

“But you’re spending so much time with me. Before you wouldn’t even give me a second glance.”

“I’m not being nice..”

“And you get so angry about the doctors.”

“I wanted to be a doctor. It makes me angry to see a patient seemingly being mistreated.”

“You want to be a doctor?”

Shirabu sighed, “I mean, I  _ did.  _ Then I started thinking of occupational therapy. I’m not sure. Honestly, I’m a bit lost on the future right now. Currently I’m considering becoming a sheep herder in the mountains.”

The spiker laughed hard and Shirabu turned to hide the smile that wouldn’t allow itself to be suppressed.

Goshiki beamed at him, “You’re smart enough to do whatever you want to do!”

Shirabu scoffed, “Thanks. You want to be a professional volleyball player.”

“Yep!” Goshiki gestured his arm like he was spiking. “I’ll kick ass at it, too.”

Shirabu glared back at him, “Then I have some advice for you.”

Goshiki’s smile fell as his hand moved limply back to his side, “Get better, then?”

Shirabu pointed at him as he whipped the door open, “Change your haircut. They’ll confuse you for a lost child.”

Goshiki blinked blankly at him before barking out laughter and sitting forward. He shouted after Shirabu before the door shut.

_ “Says you!  _ Your bowl cut isn’t even worn in a God abiding way!”

Shirabu froze as the door shut heavily behind him. He stood for a long moment with his hand still on the doorknob before blinking. Then, his lips formed a small smile. And then he laughed. He pushed himself forward as he laughed hard and his hand subconsciously went to his uneven bangs.

“God abiding… Holy shit.”

—

The next few weeks showed a brand new Goshiki. The spiker was seen around nearly constantly interacting with people in his regular optimistic attitude. He even showed up to every practice and  _ killed  _ it.

Shirabu watched the ball as it fell into his hands and sent it over to Goshiki, who ran forward and hit it past a first year middle blocker. He got it narrowly between his hand and the antenna then cheered loudly as it landed firmly on the white line. Shirabu nodded at him as he gazed around with wide eyes.

“Nice kill.”

_ “Thanks!”  _ Goshiki yelled as he circled back to high five Tendō.

“Get one by  _ me  _ and I’ll be impressed,” Tendō teased.

Shirabu smiled slightly to his shoes as he waited for Goshiki to demand for him to set for him so he could beat his upperclassman. He steeled his expression when he felt a hand on his shoulder and Goshiki leaned down.

“Hey! Help me beat Tendō-senpai!”

Shirabu looked up at him and nodded once, then averted his eyes from Goshiki’s triumphant smile. Then he avoided Tendō’s demanding and confused stare.

The rest of practice went as well as they always did. He was just getting his regular shoes on when he noticed it was just him and Goshiki left. The spiker glanced up and seemed to notice that as well as he immediately deflated. Shirabu furrowed his brow and leaned forward.

“What’s wrong?”

Goshiki smiled up at him as he tied his laces, “It’s my birthday tomorrow!”

“Really?”

“Yeah. We’re going to the beach.”

“We are?”

Goshiki frowned, “I  _ knew  _ I didn’t actually tell you. You would’ve complai—“

_ “You shouldn’t go to the beach, Goshiki.” _

“There it is,” the spiker cackled. “Why not?”

“Your skin!” Shirabu threw his hands up. “The sun!  _ Your skin in the sun!” _

“It’s okay,” Goshiki laughed as he stood wearily. “Hey, wanna see something gross?”

“No.”

“Okay, well, look!” Goshiki pulled his pant leg up to show him the deep red imprints his knee pads left in his swollen knee.

Shirabu grimaced, “Gross.”

“I know, right? It’s worse in my left one, I think I should get a longer knee pad,” Goshiki beamed and Shirabu started following him back to the dorm.

“We haven’t read in a while,” Shirabu said quietly as they neared Goshiki’s room.

The spiker turned to face him, “Ah. Yeah, just not a lot of time.”

Shirabu nodded, “Agreed.”

Goshiki laughed and let them inside, where Shirabu easily sat on the bed. Goshiki stared at him for a second before tearing his shoes and jacket off and crawling in against the wall. Shirabu raised an eyebrow and turned to watch him.

“This is why there isn’t much time to read? Have you even been studying?”

“I study usually until I rage quit then I sleep. It’s not like my grades really matter that much as long as volleyball works out.”

“Are you really that tired? It’s only six thirty. Also, you haven’t eaten yet.”

“Oh, right. Oh, well. I’m already here.”

Shirabu frowned and smacked him on the shoulder, “You need to eat.”

“I wanna sleep, though,” Goshiki whined into his pillow.

“If I get you food will you eat it?”

“Yes!” Goshiki turned his head to smile at him.

Shirabu rolled his eyes and stood, “Brat.”

He returned shortly with a bento box of rice, fish and vegetables, but his eyes immediately fell on the sleeping spiker. He pursed his lips before sitting cross legged beside him and peeling the lid off the meal. He removed a pair of chopsticks from their wrapping and picked up a piece of salmon before pressing it into his mouth several times.

By the seventh attempt, Goshiki slowly opened his mouth. Shirabu snorted through his nose and withdrew the fish.

“Sit up if you’re going to eat.”

Goshiki struggled to open his eyes, “You’re here.”

“Uh huh, I told you I was going to get you food.”

Goshiki groaned loudly the entire time he sat up then rubbed at his neck, “I’m sorry, I’m tired.”

“I know. Here.”

“Thanks.”

Shirabu sat and watched Goshiki move slowly as he ate. Partway through his meal, he held the box and chopsticks up to Shirabu, who politely declined. The spiker nodded and blinked down at the food.

“What are you doing when you graduate? Are you going to keep playing volleyball?”

“We already talked about that.”

Goshiki frowned at his food, “When?”

“A bit ago.”

“Today?”

“No, a while ago.”

“Okay.”

The silence grew around them and Shirabu stared at Goshiki’s distressed eyes as he slowly ate. The setter shifted and cleared his throat.

“I used to want to be a doctor.”

Goshiki’s eyes brightened slightly as he looked up, “Used to? What about now?”

“I’m not sure. I’m considering moving to Italy and starting a hat making business.”

Goshiki laughed, “Shuddup. No you’re not.”

Shirabu bit his lip to keep from smiling, “Why not?”

“Because you’re too smart to just  _ make hats!” _

“I’m sure hatmaking takes a very specific set of skills I couldn’t start to replicate.”

Goshiki smiled at him as his eyes searched his face before laughing down to his rice, “Nah, you could totally make hats if you wanted to.”

“You think so?”

“Definitely! I’m gonna play volleyball, though. Nothing can stop me, either! Not even my own  _ stupid  _ immune system!”

Shirabu leaned down on his hand and watched him push his rice around, “That so?”

“Yep! I’m sure you knew that, though! The only thing more intense than my fatigue is my  _ drive!” _

“What about your passion?”

Goshiki perked up with fire behind his eyes for the first time in forever,  _ “Especially  _ my passion!”

Shirabu snorted amusedly, “Interesting. So you really think you’ll play professionally?”

“I  _ definitely  _ will! And I’ll beat everyone else!”

“Then I have some advice for you.”

“Advice?” Goshiki asked around his chopsticks before swallowing harshly. “If you tell me to just  _ improve first,  _ I swear I’ll fight you.”

“No, that’s not what I’m going to say.”

Goshiki furrowed his brow, “What then?”

“You should cut your bangs in a god abiding way, like mine.”

Goshiki balked at him before snickering, “Your bangs are a disaster.”

Shirabu’s hand went to his bangs, “What makes you say that? Because I didn’t cut them with an honest to god salad bowl over my head?”

“I’ll take a salad bowl over a botched  _ Barbie  _ makeover any day.”

_ “Excuse me?”  _ Shirabu sat back as Goshiki laughed evilly. “Botched  _ Barbie  _ makeover?”

“Ya know how kids will cut their dolls’ hair? All sideways and choppy?”

“I get what you were saying. It was just  _ rude.” _

Goshiki laughed again, “It was a joke.”

“A joke,” Shirabu said flatly.

Goshiki nodded, “A  _ joke.” _

“So  _ that’s  _ what a joke is,” Shirabu said.

Goshiki stared up at him with wide eyes, a piece of fish halfway to his mouth, before cocking his head, “Huh?”

“It was a joke about how I’m not funny. I guess it really proved my point, too.”

The spiker squinted at him, “What?”

Shirabu held a dismissive hand up, “Never mind.”

“You’re  _ totally  _ funny! You make me laugh all the time, what are you talking about?”

Shirabu sat back further as his brow sunk down, “I do?”

“What? Yeah? Remember, like, two minutes ago when you made me laugh?”

“I guess.”

“Why do you think you’re not funny?” Goshiki asked as he picked his chopsticks back up.

“No one ever really laughs at my jokes, I guess. Unless they’re laughing  _ at  _ my jokes.”

“I’m willing to bet that isn’t true.”

“I swear you’ve laughed at my jokes more in the past four months than anyone has ever.”

Goshiki pursed his lips and thought, “So, what? Three times? That  _ is  _ rough.”

Shirabu shoved him by the shoulder, “Brat.”

Goshiki laughed loudly, “No, not me.  _ You.” _

_ “Me?” _

“You,” he agreed.

“You’re saying  _ I’m  _ a brat?”

“Yes!”

Shirabu leaned forward to glare at him, but Goshiki didn’t back down. After a solid minute of that, he rolled his eyes and stood up. Goshiki laughed and called after him.

“Where are you going?”

“I have plans with my friends.”

“Oh, right. I don’t know if I told you,” Shirabu turned to listen to Goshiki, “But tomorrow’s my birthday. We’re going to the beach.”

Shirabu nodded slowly, “Do you have sunscreen?”

“Yep!”

“What about a hat?”

“Yes, but it’s just a hat.”

“What does that mean, just a hat?”

“It means that it isn’t a Shirabu-Special-Edition.”

The setter frowned at him for a second before he realized what he meant. He slowly smiled and shook his head.

_ “You smiled!”  _ Goshiki pointed.

Shirabu covered his mouth and quickly reached for the door, “You saw nothing.”

_ “Oh, my god!” _

He tore the door open, “It wasn’t me! You’re dreaming!”

“See you tomorrow!” Goshiki called.

“Yes.”

Shirabu closed the door tightly and held onto the knob with both hands for a moment. He stared down at the metal between his fingers before scowling deeply and straightening his shirt then turning and walking quietly down the hall.

—

Their team congregated by the front of the school after practice to catch the train to the beach. Shirabu wore sunglasses to shield against the late afternoon sun. Semi and Tendō spoke loudly about something he couldn’t force himself to care about. The setter glared at the door impatiently as he toyed with his bag.

He was spending precious studying time on doing something he didn’t like to do, namely going to the beach, and Goshiki was the one who was making them wait. Just as he was beginning to worry that the spiker actually didn’t remember he was supposed to meet them, he crashed through the door.

“Sorry! I had a hard time finding my stuff.”

Ushijima raised an eyebrow at him, “That’s an inappropriate outfit for the beach.”

Shirabu gazed over his dark jeans, black long sleeved t-shirt, sneakers, hat and sunglasses. The scent of thick sunscreen wafted over to him, but he was used to that. Goshiki glanced down at his own clothes before throwing his hands on his hips.

“I never learned how to swim, so I don’t plan on doing that!”

Ushijima furrowed his brow slightly, “Swimming is an invaluable skill. Your hat appears to be of very high quality. That’s a good purchase.”

“Thanks!”

“Yeah,” Tendō slung an arm around him as they started off to the train station, “What would you do if someone threw you in and it was just sink or swim?”

Goshiki frowned deeply and blinked up at him, “Die, I guess?”

Tendō blinked down at him before laughing loudly, “So I see!”

Shirabu stood by the umbrella Goshiki sat under as they watched their teammates play in the water. Shirabu squinted out at the glinting water with his hand against his forehead to hide his eyes from the burning heat of the sun.

“You can go out there, you know,” Goshiki said. “I don’t need a babysitter.”

Shirabu glanced down at him and noted his heavy eyelids, “You think I’m with you by  _ choice?” _

Goshiki scoffed amusedly, “How naive of me.”

“You couldn’t  _ pay  _ me to go out there.”

“Why?”

Shirabu considered lying but settled on the truth, “The ocean scares me.”

Goshiki leaned forward and lifted his sunglasses to stare at him, “Why?”

The setter sighed and dropped his hand in favor of placing both of them on his hips as he stared down at the spiker, “There’s all kinds of things in there we don’t know about.”

“So?”

“So, I don’t want to be the one that finds out about them.”

Goshiki laughed loudly and held a hand up against the sky as he squinted at him, “I really doubt you’ll discover a new sea creature while swimming at a public beach.”

Shirabu crossed his arms and looked back out to the churning water, “I still don’t like those odds.”

Goshiki snorted and leaned back. Shirabu turned back to look at him with his arms still crossed.

“What about you?”

“Huh?”

“It’s your birthday,” Shirabu shrugged. “Are you really just going to sit under this umbrella alone the whole time?”

Goshiki glared at him, “I’m not alone. You’re here.”

Shirabu shrugged and sat heavily beside him, but far enough that he was in the sun. Goshiki replaced his sunglasses and smiled at him for an uncomfortable amount of time.

The setter finally glared at him and snapped,  _ “What?” _

“Didja know your hair looks red in the light?”

Shirabu furrowed his brow,  _ “Red?” _

“Yeah. Strawberry blond. It’s probably also my glasses.”

“Cool.”

“Your hair is pretty,” Goshiki said.

Shirabu’s head snapped back over to him, “Excuse me?”

“I said your hair is pretty.”

_ “I am not—“ _

“You’re supposed to say thank you to compliments,” Goshiki laughed.

Shirabu pulled his knees to his chest and glowered at the ocean. They were quiet for a long time with only the company of the waves crashing on shore and the distant yells of their teammates as they moved further and further out. Shirabu glanced at Goshiki as he lifted his sunglasses and squinted out at them.

“It’s making me nervous how far out they are.”

Shirabu scoffed, “Just because you can’t swim doesn’t mean they can’t handle themselves.”

“I can swim,” Goshiki laughed.

“You  _ lied  _ to Ushijima-senpai?” Shirabu balked.

Goshiki shrugged, “I didn’t know how else to justify my outfit without telling them  _ ‘hey I get really, really sick sometimes especially in the sun and I don’t know why’.” _

Shirabu pursed his lips, “So you can swim.”

“I was going to get verified as a lifeguard this year, actually,” Goshiki said quietly. “But with the way my body feels lately I feel like I’d sink before I could even start moving my feet.”

“Is it really that bad?”

Goshiki nodded, “Not to sound  _ dramatic—“ _

“Too late.”

The spiker laughed hard, “Yeah. But  _ yeah.  _ It’s that bad. I feel like I’m lugging around an entire body on top of mine all the time. It really sucks.”

The setter hummed flatly and glanced between Goshiki and where he stared out to the water. He leaned forward to catch his eye and Goshiki did a double take at him.

“What?”

“Do you want to go walk in the water?”

“I shouldn’t, but I do want to.”

“Just leave your socks on. You’re looking at the ocean like it’s your long lost lover.”

Goshiki sighed and spoke quietly despite no one being around, “I’m already feeling uncomfortable. I don’t think I should go out there.”

Shirabu shook his head, “Because you wore  _ cotton.” _

“What’s wrong with cotton?” Goshiki glared.

“It’s the least effective material for blocking out the sun’s rays. Or so I read.”

“What  _ should  _ I wear then, oh wise one?”

“Polyester.”

“What’s that?”

Shirabu undid his bag and pulled out a pale green sweater before throwing it at Goshiki, “Lucky for you, I foresaw this situation.”

“You brought me a sweater?”

“Yes, and I want it back.”

Goshiki snickered, “I knew you cared.”

“I care about practices and you  _ missing  _ a million of them because you don’t know how to protect yourself from the sun.”

Goshiki placed his sunglasses down and pulled the sweater over his head. He glanced down at how it was large on him before frowning at Shirabu.

“Whose sweater is this?”

“Mine?”

“It’s too big to be yours. You’re too tiny to fit in this.”

_ “Tiny?”  _ Shirabu all but shouted.

“Tiny!” Goshiki cried.

“It’s  _ my  _ sweater,” Shirabu nearly growled. “It’s big on me.”

“Because you’re so tiny.”

“You’re lucky I don’t rip it off of you and feed you to the sun.”

Goshiki laughed heartily as he put his glasses back on and rolled his pant legs up. He reached into his bag and applied a thick layer of sunscreen onto his shins before pulling his socks over the skin anyway. He took his shoes off and grunted as he stood.

“Ugh, who  _ made  _ knees? Why?”

Shirabu blinked at him, “The intelligence. Stunning. Captivating.”

Goshiki pulled his large brimmed sun hat down over his face before placing his fists on his hips, “Shuddup! Let’s go.”

Shirabu reached back into his bag before throwing an umbrella at Goshiki, which he caught easily and stared inquisitively at it.

“I know it’s a rain umbrella, but it’s better than nothing.”

Goshiki held it back out, “I appreciate it, but I’ll look  _ insane.” _

Shirabu glanced out at the water, where their teammates threw a volleyball between themselves, “They wrote you off as insane the day they met you. Don’t be insane  _ and  _ stupid.”

“I’ll use it if you admit you care,” Goshiki smirked.

Shirabu glared at him, “I care.”

The spiker stood back in surprise and glowered as he reluctantly opened the umbrella and stepped out into its shade. Shirabu stood and walked next to him.

“But I care about you missing practice. The sun can eat you alive for all I care.”

_ “Then why bring the umbrella?” _

Despite his incredulous tone, Goshiki laughed loudly as they got to the cusp of the water. Shirabu stood back and watched the water saturate Goshiki’s socks. The spiker stared out at the horizon for a long moment before moving along in the shallow waves, with Shirabu beside him up on the sand.

“You won’t even walk in the shallow part?”

Shirabu shook his head, “Even if it’s  _ seaweed,  _ I will set myself on fire.”

Goshiki snickered and twirled the umbrella in his fingers, “I’ll keep that in mind.”

They walked in silence before Goshiki faltered and ran forward excitedly. Shirabu quickly followed as he balanced on a rock and painfully squatted down.

_ “Look! Look! Look! Shirabu, lo—“ _

_ “At what?”  _ Shirabu snapped as he leaned over while attempting not to get in the way of the waves washing up on shore.

“Tidal pool! Oh, it’s  _ so cool!” _

Shirabu grimaced and stepped back, “All I’m hearing is  _ creatures.” _

“Yes! They’re so cool!” Goshiki slowly shifted sideways and pointed, “Did you know that barnacles produce one of the  _ strongest  _ glues known to man? Isn’t that nuts? Just to stick to rocks!”

“Huh.”

_ “Ah! Shirabu!” _

_ “What?”  _ Shirabu breathed, fear striking his heart.

Goshiki’s umbrella fell slightly behind him as he excitedly pointed and screamed at the shallow water,  _ “Starfish!” _

“Starfish?” Shirabu hesitantly stepped into the slow waves and grimaced as the warm water rolled over his bare feet. He leaned over and nearly threw up in his own mouth at the sight of the animal. “I hate it.”

_ “What?”  _ Goshiki glared up at him. “It’s so cool! This one is actually an asterias amurensis!”

“Gross.”

_ “It’s not gross!  _ Didja know starfish don’t have hearts or blood but very intricate—“

“Stop,  _ please stop,”  _ Shirabu held a hand up. “Why do you know so much about  _ starfish?” _

“No technology, remember? Just books. The sea and space were the most interesting.”

“Oh, so the things we know the least about?” Shirabu quipped.

Goshiki took one last lingering look at the tidal pool before moving on, “Yep! Closest thing to fiction on a non-fiction bookshelf!”

Shirabu hummed flatly as they continued walking. He pursed his lips as they reached a grassy area that impeded on the beach. The spiker raised an eyebrow as the setter wandered over to the tall grass and plucked several long pieces along with some small, purple flowers.

“What are you doing?”

Shirabu glanced around before spotting a picnic table beneath a large tree and quickly walked to it. Goshiki slowly followed and made a high pitched whine as he sat adjacent to the other teen. He happily closed the umbrella and leaned over to watch Shirabu weave the grass together.

“Shirabu, what are you doing?”

“You’ll see.”

Goshiki blinked heavily and watched his nimble fingers make quick work of his strange activity. By the time he was nearly done, Goshiki perked up from his position of his chin being perched on his hand and laughed loudly.

“You’re making a flower crown?”

“Yeah.”

“Why do you know how to do that? You make a lot of them, huh?”

Shirabu shrugged, “Used to. My little sister forced me to learn.”

“You have a little sister? I have an  _ older  _ sister.”

“How much older?”

“Three years. Howyoungisyoursister?”

Shirabu frowned and glanced up at his rushed speech, “Uh, two years.”

“She’s twoyearsold?”

Shirabu blinked at his weaving, “No, two years younger than me.”

“One yearyoungerthan me, then.”

“Yeah. One year younger than you,” Shirabu said slowly in the hopes that he’d take the subtle hint and slow his own speech.

He couldn’t test his theory immediately as the spiker fell silent while he watched Shirabu weave the flowers into the completed grass halo. When he was done, the setter held it up.

“What?” Goshiki asked.

“Put it on.”

“Me?”

“It’s your birthday, isn’t it? Why would I wear a flower crown on  _ your  _ birthday?”

“I dunno, sounds pretty on brand to me,” Goshiki laughed.

“Brat. Put it on, it’ll help hide your terrible haircut.”

“Better than my hat?” Goshiki laughed and removed his hat before he bowed his head, “Says you.”

“Says me,” Shirabu breathed as he slid the purple and green ring over his hair.

Goshiki beamed up at him, “Do I look like a prince?”

“Like the poorest prince to ever live.”

“Wow, a  _ historicprince.” _

“A what?”

“I’mhonoredtruly.”

Shirabu checked his watch, “What time did you say we’re leaving?”

“Six.”

“About an hour and a half to go.”

Goshiki visibly deflated, “I’m notmakingit that long.”

Shirabu eyed him wearily and noticed the way his eyes were refusing to stay open, “Let’s go back to the umbrella.”

The spiker glared down at the table before squeezing his eyes shut and slowly pushing himself up, grimacing the entire way. Shirabu grabbed his hat and slapped it over his head, disregarding the way it crushed the flowers, before opening the umbrella up over him.

“I said  _ don’t  _ be stupid. Use the umbrella.”

Goshiki glared up at the shade before reluctantly taking it from him. They made their way slowly and painfully through the sand before reaching the big umbrella again. Goshiki abandoned the small umbrella on the ground before slumping heavily on his blanket and groaning as he stretched his legs out. Shirabu closed the small umbrella up and shook it out before packing it back into his bag. He sat on the blanket next to Goshiki, who tore his hat off and laid back on his hands.

“Wannaread?”

“What?”

“Book?”

“Did you bring it?”

“Yeah.”

Shirabu frowned at him as his eyes slid shut, “Are you really so tired?”

“We already had practice today. Usually I gotosleep afterpractice. But today I couldn’tdothatso I’m tired.”

Shirabu nodded and leaned over to retrieve the book from Goshiki’s bag. He placed his own bag under his head as he moved to the page they last left off on and started reading quietly. Goshiki groaned as he turned onto his side, leaning his head on his arm, and forcing his eyes to stay open so he could watch Shirabu read.

The setter glanced down at him, “Close your eyes if you need to.”

“I know.”

“Okay,” Shirabu whispered before continuing on with the narrative.

He only made it to the end of the second page when he heard Goshiki snore softly. He pursed his lips as he looked down at the spiker, knowing getting him to wake up would likely be hard. Realistically he’d only had to try and wake him twice, and the time he had to wake him from a nap was much easier than a full sleep, so maybe there was hope. He returned the bookmark back to the page and scoffed again at its saying before shutting the book on it and placing it to the side.

He stared down at Goshiki for a moment before pulling tiny strands of his hair out over his flower crown to add to the aesthetic. After a moment of that, he stood and walked to the shore of the water and stared out at his teammates. He sighed heavily and pushed at the sand with his feet, more than ready to just leave the damn beach.

As anticipated, waking Goshiki wasn’t  _ easy.  _ It wasn’t necessarily  _ hard  _ either, though. All it really took was Tendō splashing water onto his face. Goshiki slowly opened his eyes and glared up before realizing he was glaring at an upperclassman. He quickly fixed his face and sat up.

“Sorry!” He bowed with a laugh. “It’s just so warm out here!”

“Have you considered that’s because you’re wearing jeans and a  _ sweater?”  _ Semi asked quietly. “You’re going to get heat stroke.”

“I love you but it was a  _ bad, bad, bad  _ decision,” Tendō drawled.

Semi reached a hand out and pulled the blushing spiker up. Shirabu frowned when the other setter didn’t let go of Goshiki’s hand, but rather wrapped both of his around it.

“Why are your hands so cold? You— It’s so hot out and you’re wearing so much. Are you alright?”

Goshiki laughed and took his hand back, “Yeah! My hands are just  _ always  _ cold! What are you gonna do, ya know?”

Shirabu hummed flatly as he picked his bag up and Goshiki gritted his teeth as he did the same. The setter watched him strain to reach for his hat before standing again. 

“Is that your book?” Ushijima asked.

Goshiki then noticed his book still on the ground and the defeat in his eye smashed into Shirabu with the force of a thousand bricks.

“It’s mine,” he muttered and leaned down to grab it, then also pulled the blanket up with him.

He put the book into his bag then Tendō helped him shake the blanket out and fold it. Goshiki watched him with thankful eyes, but he avoided meeting them.

They returned to the school and went their separate ways. Shirabu returned to his dorm and smiled at the cardboard package on his bed.

“Thanks, Kobu,” he whispered as he picked it up.

He turned to the door, but quickly turned back to pick up the book before going to the cafeteria. He carried two bento boxes in his other hand, then stared at Goshiki’s door, then his full hands.

He pursed his lips and tried pushing the knob down with his elbow and was elated when it worked. He pushed into the room and furrowed his brow as he didn’t see Goshiki within. Shirabu placed the things down on his desk and turned back to face the room. He squinted and approached the bed when he noticed fingers peeking out from under the blanket.

“Hey, I brought you dinner. You need to eat.”

He tore the blanket off of him, causing him to stir. Shirabu leaned down to look at the pink in his cheeks, then startled back as Goshiki’s eyes snapped open. They were as glossy as they were bloodshot.

“Hey, it’s you,” Goshiki whispered as he stretched.

“Where do you keep your medicine?” Shirabu asked as he turned away.

“I already took it, I’m pretty sure.”

“You’re pretty sure?”

“If I did, I probably wrote it down.”

Shirabu wandered back to the desk and nodded at the markings on a notebook with a long history of doses. He took the bento boxes from the desk and returned to the bed. Goshiki smiled up at him as he untied the fabric from around them.

“There’s shirasu or flounder.”

“Which would you prefer?”

Shirabu glanced up at him, “I thought flounder is your favorite?”

“It is but if you want it, have it.”

“I got it specifically for you.”

Goshiki smiled a mix of sleepiness and evilness, “You know my favorite, huh?”

“Hard not to when you never shut up.”

Goshiki cackled as he took the food and chopsticks from him, then moved back so he could sit as well, “How are you going to explain away bringing me my favorite unsolicited?”

“It’s your birthday.”

“So? Someone who doesn’t care wouldn’t care about that.”

Shirabu glared at him, “I  _ don’t  _ care. Just no one should be alone on their birthday. Even if you  _ didn’t  _ invite me to the beach.”

“I did so.”

“Late.”

“I forgot,” Goshiki said flatly to his food.

“Right. Sorry.”

The spiker’s head snapped up, “Did you just  _ apologize?” _

“What about it?”

“Nothing,” Goshiki said quickly. “Can we put some sound on?”

“Uh, sure. Music?”

“Sure.”

Shirabu put his chopsticks down and got his phone out. He put his music on shuffle and played it at a quiet volume before going back to his food. They ate in the company of soft music.

“You listen to english music,” Goshiki said after a long while.

“Yeah. Sometimes.”

“Me too.”

“Yeah?”

“Uh huh. I’m fluent, you know.”

Shirabu nodded, “I know.”

“How do you know that? I never told you.”

Shirabu looked at him strangely, “We’re reading an english book with about  _ a million  _ pages. It was pretty obvious.”

Goshiki’s face flushed with embarrassment, “Oh. I guess so, huh? Butthenthatmeansyouaretoo!”

“What?”

“You. Fluent.”

“Yeah.”

“Why?”

“My dad moved us to Virginia in the United States for a few years when I was young for work. Had to learn. What about you?”

_ “Really?”  _ Goshiki balked at him. “That’s  _ so  _ cool!”

“Literally. It’s cold there. Why are you fluent?”

Goshiki laughed loudly, “Uh, my dad is bilingual because he does a lot of business with english speaking countries and made me and my sister learn. He said it’s a valuable skill that’ll open many paths in the future.”

“He’s right.”

Goshiki leaned over to look at Shirabu’s phone, “What’s this one called?”

_ “I sing I swim, Seabear.” _

“I like it.”

“Yeah, me too.”

They continued eating, then when they were done, Shirabu took the containers and replaced them on the desk. He picked up the package and tossed it to Goshiki, who caught it with grace.

“What is this?”

“Happy birthday.”

“You got me something?”

“Uh huh.”

Goshiki frowned and slowly peeled the tape off before removing a small projector wrapped in bubble wrap. He peeled the wrap off and stared at the white and black object before looking up at Shirabu.

“I can’t accept this.”

“It was actually really inexpensive. I’d be shocked if it really even worked.”

Goshiki laughed, “How does it work?”

“You connect your phone to it. The idea of you only watching television on your phone was depressing. I’ll show you.”

Goshiki handed his phone and the projector to Shirabu and leaned forward to listen to his explanation. The setter stared at the blue square on the wall in surprise.

“Well, I’ll be damned.”

Goshiki took his phone back and opened  _ Netflix,  _ “Want to watch something?”

“Sure.”

“What?”

“I don’t care.”

_ “The Office?” _

“Sure.”

Shirabu sat back on the bed, turned his music off, and watched forward as Goshiki arranged the projector in such a way that the hijinx of the office employees were broadly visible over his desk, then sat back as well. They didn’t speak until they neared the end of the episode, when Goshiki rolled his head along the wall to stare at Shirabu.

“They make an office job look fun.”

“That kind of work environment would be  _ terrible,”  _ Shirabu said.

Goshiki laughed, “I could never work in an office.”

“No, you probably couldn’t.”

“Could you?”

Shirabu shrugged and pulled his knees to his chest, “Not one like that. Not paper. Not  _ sales.” _

“Then what office job would you do?”

“I don’t know.”

“You don’t know what you want to do with your future?”

Shirabu bit back a sigh and turned his head to look at him, “Maybe a bean farmer.”

_ “A bean farmer?” _

“Yeah.”

“You and Ushijima-senpai against the world,” Goshiki laughed. “You’d grow great beans.”

Shirabu stared at him for long after he looked away and only spoke when the end credits started, “What’s it like forgetting so much?”

Goshiki frowned and looked back at him with sad eyes, “What’d I forget this time?”

“We’ve talked about that before is all,” Shirabu looked away. “What’s it like?”

“Frustrating,” Goshiki looked down. “Embarrassing. But mostly you don’t remember forgetting.”

“Embarrassing?”

Goshiki nodded, “I used to be  _ smart.  _ It just makes you feel stupid, not knowing.”

“You’re not stupid.”

Goshiki looked up, “I appreciate that, but it’s  _ so  _ weird hearing nice things come from you.”

“I can be mean if you’d prefer.”

Goshiki laughed lightly, “That’s okay. It’s weird, but it’s good. It just sucks that it’s because you feel bad for me.”

“I don’t feel bad for you.”

“Then why are you being so nice to me?”

Shirabu frowned, “We talked about this before, too.”

Goshiki turned his face away and sighed to the ceiling, “Ah.”

“But,” Shirabu said quietly. “We’re a team.”

“A team?” Goshiki whispered up.

“Yeah.”

“All of us.”

Shirabu rested his cheek on his knee as he stared at Goshiki, and slowly felt anger creeping up his lungs.  _ Not  _ all of them. No one else was doing anything. No one else so much as asked more than two questions or questioned the flimsy answers they received. No one else  _ cared  _ at all, and they should’ve. It was  _ obvious  _ something was wrong with Goshiki.

“No.”

Goshiki looked down to him in surprise, “No?”

“No. You and me.”

“You and me what?”

“We’re a team.”

“You and me?”

“Yeah. Teammates have each other’s backs.”

Goshiki smiled and played the next episode of the show, but said nothing. Shirabu felt stupid for what he said, but felt a guilty assurance that Goshiki would likely forget. 

—

Three days later, Goshiki still hadn’t shown up to practice. Shirabu hadn’t gone to visit him, as their last encounter took a lot out of him. He needed some space to put together his pride again before he could revisit that.

It wasn’t that he  _ didn’t want  _ to see him, it was more that he didn’t want the spiker getting the wrong idea after the  _ ‘you and me are a team’  _ thing. As well as it was the fact that he really did want to see him. That was a dangerous connection to grow. It wasn’t until they were changing that he decided to see him again.

A first year glanced around nervously at them with an envelope in his hand, “Does anyone know where Goshiki-san’s room is? I need to bring this to him.”

Shirabu nearly immediately tore the paper from his hand and stared at the writing on it. It was from the dean’s office, and likely contained very poor news.

“I’ll find him.”

“Uh, thanks,” the first year muttered before moving swiftly away.

Shirabu continued staring down at the paper the entire way to the spiker’s room. When he got there, he let himself in, mentally remarking on the irresponsibility of constantly leaving the door unlocked. He finally looked up when he was shrouded by darkness and the heat in the room swallowed him whole. Goshiki laid in his bed with his hand loosely on a bin on the floor. His eyes were shut and he was snoring loudly. Shirabu moved forward and screwed his face up at the scent of sweat and bile.

He slowly leaned down and noticed the raised, red rash across his damp cheeks and nose. His hair was entirely saturated with sweat and pressed closely around his head. He held his blanket tightly up to his chin with his other hand, but still shivered in his sleep.

Shirabu sighed and moved to the closet to get a washcloth, then went to the bathroom to wet it. He returned and sat lightly beside him on the bed before cleaning his skin the best he could with the washcloth.

Goshiki turned his face into the cloth, allowing Shirabu to get the other side of his face. The setter pursed his lips as he pushed Goshiki’s hair back with the cloth.

The spiker’s glossy eyes fluttered open and looked at Shirabu’s face, but the setter had the feeling he wasn’t really seeing him. He froze in his movements and they stayed in tense silence for a few long seconds before Goshiki violently pushed Shirabu back and leaned over to heave into the bin.

Shirabu stood and winced at the wet hacking. He stayed over the bin for a long time with nothing ever actually leaving his mouth. He groaned lowly before hacking anything in his mouth into the bin. Shirabu frowned with wide eyes as Goshiki laid back.

“I’m sorry,” he groaned.

Shirabu rushed forward and ripped the bin from his grasp. Goshiki stared up at him with as much shock as he could muster.

“Don’t  _ look.  _ What’swrongwithyou?”

Shirabu’s breathing picked up as he thrust the bin in his general direction, “You are  _ going to the hospital.  _ This is not a discussion. You are  _ going.” _

“No, I—“

_ “You’re going. Get up,”  _ Shirabu yelled.

Goshiki wheezed a sticky breath in, “I can’t.”

_ “Blood,”  _ Shirabu screamed as he thrust the bin over again, “Means  _ doctors! You absolute idiot! Why wouldn’t you tell someone?” _

“It’s fine,” Goshiki said as he struggled to keep his eyes open.

Panic arose dangerously in Shirabu as he grabbed him harshly by the arm and threw the bin on the floor, “Get up. Get up.  _ Get up!” _

Goshiki struggled to stand beside him and leaned heavily against his side as he caught his breath. Shirabu struggled to support his weight with his panic but dragged him to the door regardless. Goshiki continuously tripped over his own dragging feet and Shirabu was ready to cry in frustration before they even got to the door. He struggled to keep Goshiki up as he opened the door and glanced up and down the hall.

_ “Hey!”  _ He yelled in the direction of the common area. “Hey!  _ Someone help me!” _

He grunted as he pulled Goshiki along with minimal help from him. The spiker’s eyes were shut and they nearly fell as he tripped over his feet again.

“God dammit, Goshiki.  _ Help me out here!” _

“I’mdizzy,” Goshiki whispered as he threw a hand out to the wall and gagged heavily.

_ “Is anyone there?” _

Shirabu nearly fell to his knees and kissed Tendō’s feet as he ran to the end of the hallway. Once the middle blocker caught sight of the struggling scene before him, he sprinted over to help. Shirabu pulled Goshiki back up and Tendō took him into his other arm, taking the brunt of his weight.

“Ithurtsomuch,” Goshiki gasped as he tried pulling his hands away to wrap them around himself.

Shirabu and Tendō held him steadily up as they marched him forward. The middle blocker did a good job of masking any confusion he may have had and asked no questions.

By the time they got to the common area, which was surprisingly full, they were out of breath. Goshiki wasn’t necessarily  _ heavy,  _ but it was hard beneath all of Shirabu’s panic, anger and confusion. Especially without the spiker trying to help, but him not helping was somehow better than when he was trying to help. Tendō sighed and leaned over to meet Shirabu’s eye.

“One second, okay?”

The setter scowled but nodded. He struggled to support Goshiki’s weight by himself and glared at the people who stared incredulously as the boy gagged and heaved. Tendō returned promptly with Ushijima in tow, who took one look at Goshiki before nodding. The ace easily grabbed the spiker and hoisted him over his shoulder. Goshiki yelled out and moved his hand he wasn’t using to grip onto his captain to hold his abdomen. Shirabu let out a harsh exhale before following closely behind them to the nurse’s office.

Ushijima moved into the office and immediately got the attention of the women within with his commanding energy. He approached the counter and gestured to Goshiki.

“My friend requires attention.”

“What’s wrong with him?” A small nurse moved around the counter to get a look at him.

“He needs a hospital,” Shirabu snapped.

“We’ll see,” she said softly. “What’s happening?”

“He’s dizzy, he has a rash, fever, and is throwing up  _ blood.  _ Need I say more?” Shirabu rushed and gestured up to him. “He won’t stay awake. He couldn’t walk. He  _ needs a h—“ _

The nurse held a hand up to him, “I understand you’re concerned, but please watch your tone and volume. Have you taken his temperature?”

_ “No. I brought him right here,”  _ Shirabu strained.

“Yes,  _ you,”  _ she rolled her eyes and directed Ushijima to place Goshiki down on a chair.

The spiker immediately slumped over and Ushijima quickly held him up by the shoulders. The nurse rolled a thermometer over his forehead and balked at the result she got. She quickly walked to the desk and had a hushed conversation with the other nurse. For every second wasted, Shirabu got angrier. He resisted the urge to scream in their faces and sat beside Goshiki. He bit his cheek hard and lifted the spiker’s pant leg slightly to see the hem of his sock. Like he feared, it dug into his swollen skin. Ushijima watched him curiously as he moved his hand furiously in front of Goshiki’s face and snapped loudly. The spiker slowly opened his eyes a sliver before groaning and clutching his stomach.

“I need you to stay awake.”

“I can’t.”

_ “Please,”  _ Shirabu snapped.

Goshiki kneaded at his side before slumping over and heaving loudly. Ushijima moved quickly out of the way as the spiker’s body rid itself of all it had left— being dark, dark foam. Shirabu glared at the nurses as they  _ finally  _ called for an ambulance. He hooked his fingers in the collar of Goshiki’s shirt to help him sit up when he was finished. The spiker reached out and clutched the front of Shirabu’s shirt as he heaved sticky breaths in and squeezed his eyes tightly shut.

“You’re going to be okay,” Shirabu strained.

Goshiki folded over on himself and whimpered loudly,  _ “IthurtssomuchI’mdying.” _

“What?”

“I’m dying!”

Everyone in the room jumped at his sudden yell. Shirabu let out a breath as every hair on his body stood at attention. He bit his panic down as he glanced at Tendō and Ushijima who stared with decidedly blank expressions. He knew it was a real possibility, but he couldn’t  _ say  _ that to Goshiki.

“You’re not.”

_ “Youdon’tknowthat,”  _ Goshiki panted out.

“What?” Shirabu snapped. “You’re going to be fine. You just— You just need help.”

Shirabu’s head snapped up as the nurse spoke quietly to Ushijima, who listened intently. The setter stood and followed his captain, who once again carried the spiker out to wait for the ambulance. Tendō and the one nurse followed more closely. Once they were out in the night, Goshiki struggled to get his head off Ushijima's shoulder and landed his glassy eyes on Shirabu and reached a hand out.

“Don’tleavemeokayIneedyouto—“

Shirabu took his cold, sweaty hand in his own, “Slow down. What?”

“Stay.”

Shirabu nodded once and kept his hand in his own, ignoring the looks he was getting from his upperclassmen. He also ignored the harsh glare he was getting from the nurse.

“Goshiki,” Shirabu said as his eyes shut again and he started shivering.

The spiker hummed his acknowledgment.

“You know what I’m going to do once I graduate?”

Goshiki opened his eyes the best he could, “No. What?”

“I’m going to be a landscape architect.”

Tendō and Ushijima gave him a strange look, but he paid no mind.

“Wassat?”

“I’m going to choose what bushes go outside of someone’s house.”

Goshiki stared at him in silence for a second before letting out an amused wheeze, “You’re too smart to just pick plants.”

“I’m sure picking plants is harder than it looks,” Shirabu swallowed as the ambulance pulled into the lot, “Then when I get home after picking plants I’m going to watch your games on the television.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah. You’re going to be the ace.”

“The  _ strongest  _ ace,” Goshiki whispered as he laid his head back on Ushijima’s shoulder.

“Yeah. The strongest,” panic swelled further in his lungs as the ambulance got close, “I have some advice for you first.”

“Huh?” Goshiki gripped his hand tighter.

Shirabu shook his head as the ambulance stopped and two men got out from the front, “Survive this first.”

Goshiki peeked up at him before Ushijima brought the boy to the men. Goshiki’s eyes opened more fully than they had the entire night as their hands slipped apart.

_ “Yousaidyouweregoingtostaydontleave.” _

“What?”

_ “Stay,”  _ Goshiki barked before breathing heavily.

Shirabu shook his head as the nurse spoke to the paramedics, “I don’t think I can.”

_ “Youneedtostaywithme.” _

He strained to hear the things the nurse was telling the paramedic.

“What about the kid? It seemed like he was calming him down,” the paramedic said hushedly.

The nurse glanced at Shirabu and shook her head, “He’s aggressive. I wouldn’t recommend it.”

The setter stared in horror as Goshiki started crying,  _ “Yousaidyoudstaywhyarentyoustayingyousai—“ _

Shirabu reached back out and took his grasping hand, “Slow down.”

The paramedics quickly removed the boy from Ushijima and pulled him to the vehicle. Their hands slipped apart and Goshiki reached back out to Shirabu.

“I’m  _ scared,”  _ his voice broke before he gagged.

“I know,” Shirabu whispered as he stepped back and wrapped his arms around himself.

“Come.”

“I don’t thin—“

“Do you want to?” The paramedic sighed.

Shirabu nodded once.

“Then let's go, we’re wasting time.”

The setter wasted no time getting into the back of the vehicle with Goshiki and the other paramedic before the man shut the door and they were off. Goshiki groaned loudly as he curled up and gripped his side.

“He’s been doing that a lot,” Shirabu muttered as the paramedic examined his patient. “Only today. Granted I haven’t seen him in about three days, so I don’t know all of it.”

“Doing what? Gripping his side?”

“Yeah. He keeps saying it hurts.”

The paramedic nodded and performed a physical evaluation of Goshiki before jabbing his fingers into his side. Shirabu bit his tongue to keep from snapping when the spiker yelled out in pain.

“Tell me about your urine,” the man said loudly over Goshiki.

“What?”

“Your urine.”

“I dunno,” Goshiki groaned as he cradled his side.

“Does it hurt?”

“Italwayshurts.”

“Since when?”

“I dunno.”

“You need to tell me.”

Shirabu looked up at the man, “He has memory problems. He genuinely doesn’t know.”

The man glanced at him,  _ “Memory problems?” _

Shirabu sighed, “He thinks he has lupus.”

“Was there a diagnosis?”

Shirabu scowled down at Goshiki, “No.”

“Do you know when this started?”

“Um. We went to the beach on the twenty second. I didn’t see him much after that night— or at  _ all,  _ actually. Uh. Probably soon after. The sun hurts him.”

“Photosensitive?”

Shirabu’s eyes snapped down as Goshiki groaned loudly and turned his face away. The setter’s breathing quickened at the sight of his swollen eyes and rashy face.

“Uh. Yes. He even wears a lot of sunscreen indoors.”

“Have you noticed him using the bathroom frequently?”

Shirabu looked up as he thought then slowly shook his head, “Usually when I see him, he’s asleep.”

“What?” The man looked confused.

“He has a hard time staying awake. I guess he goes more than considered  _ normal,  _ during practices I mean. No one else goes to the bathroom during practice.”

The man was about to respond when Goshiki leaned over and threw up again. The paramedic quickly thrust a bag under his face to collect the waste. Shirabu removed his gaze from Goshiki’s tear and snot stained face in favor of staring at the metal floor.

The spiker still wasn’t done heaving by the time they arrived at the hospital. The ambulance stopped and the men worked together to transport Goshiki within. Shirabu followed closely behind them through the emergency room, but was promptly stopped by a nurse. He watched the stretcher go until heavy doors hid it from sight. He glared up at the nurse before he could stop himself.

“The paramedic said you’d have information,” she said. “Some background.”

“Oh,” Shirabu said before nodding. “Yeah.”

After some time of feeding the nurse information— and some helpful forced “cool down” time— he was allowed to go to Goshiki. He slowly followed the red lines in the hall and frowned up at the doors of the intensive care unit. He sighed heavily and buzzed in. He washed his hands thoroughly before entering the next set of doors. He gazed around the unit, taking in the nurses station and the several doors leading off the main room. His eyes immediately landed on a distraught woman speaking to a doctor in hushed tones. Her round face was soaked with her tears and her eyes implored the doctor for answers he likely couldn’t answer.

Such as  _ ‘why my son’  _ or  _ ‘why us’  _ or  _ ‘why is the world so cruel’. _

Shirabu hung back, wanting to avoid Goshiki’s mother for as long as possible— forever if that was an option. He stayed there and stared at them from a distance until the nurse called him over quietly. He slowly tore his eyes away from the older, female Tsutomu and walked to the nurse.

“I need you to sign in, okay?” She smiled.

Shirabu nodded stiffly and took a pen from her with shaking hands before signing his name the best he could. He hesitated before going back to his position of waiting in silent desperation.

“Is he—“ He sighed. “What’s wrong with him?”

The nurse pressed her smile into a tight line, “We’re not too sure of the cause yet, but it’s looking like acute kidney failure.”

The setter pressed his hand over his eyes before sucking in a deep breath and nodding once, “That’s bad.”

“It looks promising so far, but I won’t lie to you, it still isn’t great.”

Shirabu glanced over at his friend’s mother, “He isn’t about to die?”

“Not within the next day, anyway,” she said quietly. “Why don’t you go speak to the doctor? He’ll have better information for you.”

Shirabu nodded again and tapped the cool surface of the nurses’ station before reluctantly making his way to the doctor. The man did a double take as he stopped beside them with crossed arms.

“And you are?”

“Shirabu Kenjirō,” he muttered, actively avoiding looking at the woman. “I came on the ambulance.”

“Oh. I see. Good thing, too. Okay, so we’re looking at acute kidney failure here. You know what that is?”

Shirabu met his eye steadily, “Yes.”

The doctor nodded slightly, “Right. We’re running some labs and in the meantime we’re maintaining him. When you go in there, you may be a bit shocked. It can be a bit alarming to see someone surrounded by all those machines, but don’t be afraid. He’s doing just fine so far.”

“Is he going to recover?”

The doctor pursed his lips and squinted as he considered, “He isn’t about to keel over, but we’re unsure of the absolute state of his kidneys at this moment,” he looked to the woman. “He may end up needing hemodialysis and maybe even a transplant, but we’ll get there when we get there.”

Goshiki’s mother covered her face with her hands and nodded.

Shirabu frowned deeply, “Are you sure it’s acute kidney failure?”

“What do you mean?” The doctor asked as they both looked at him.

“Forgive me, I know this is your job and you’re obviously far more qualified than I am. It’s just… He’s convinced he has lupus, but so far hasn’t been seriously considered by his doctors. I wouldn’t forgive myself if I didn’t advocate for him and ask that you check for lupus nephritis.”

“What makes you say that?”

“Photosensitivity, extreme fatigue, every few months he gets  _ extremely  _ ill to the point that no one sees him for a week at a time. What else? He’s been losing weight, he gets butterfly rashes across his face, oh, and his  _ confusion.  _ His memory is strange and spotty, he forgets names, dates, events, conversations and his speech has become very  _ rushed.  _ I can’t even understand him sometimes. That’s recent.”

The doctor nodded slowly and looked back at the woman, “Has he seen a rheumatologist?”

She shook her head, “He has an appointment in February.”

“In half a year,” Shirabu said flatly. “Honestly, I just don’t think this is necessarily  _ acute.” _

The doctor sighed, “I appreciate your concern, and I know it’s a hard time for you both to see someone you care for in such a precarious situation. I just don’t see the value in looking into a disease specific complication when said disease hasn’t been diagnosed. The best I can do is try to move his appointment up.”

Shirabu shifted his glare to the floor and bit his tongue to keep from yelling. He heard the meekest of ‘okay’s from Goshiki’s mother.

“I’ll be back to check in soon,” the doctor said. “Please don’t be alarmed by any of the sounds that may go off inside. They usually just mean something needs doing. Please, take care of yourselves.”

Shirabu reluctantly looked up to Goshiki’s mother, who was already staring at him. He whispered very quietly.

“I know you don’t know me and I’m sorry we’re meeting like this, but  _ advocate for him, please.  _ You’re an adult. They’ll listen. Please.”

She blinked tearily at him, “How?”

“Demand a biopsy. Demand he checks. Please,” Shirabu whispered. “I’m sorry. Please. He needs the  _ right  _ treatment and he can’t get it until they listen. You need— He needs someone to speak for him. You’re his mom, you need to—“

“Who  _ are  _ you?” She whispered.

“I—“

“Go home. Why are you here?”

Shirabu blinked at the anger in her eyes, “What?”

“I don’t— My son— You’re just a  _ kid.  _ You don’t know better than the doctors. Why are you— Go home, okay?”

“But he—“

_ “Go,”  _ she snapped.

Shirabu took a stunned step back but kept his arms crossed tightly across his chest, “He—“

“If I have to say it again, you’ll regret it.”

Shirabu blinked at her before turning on his heel and walking slowly to the door. Between his fear, sadness, confusion, and especially  _ anger,  _ his vision blurred and spun. He pushed the doors open and retraced the red lines back to the emergency room, then stood outside. He glanced around the parking lot before looking up at the red lights on the building. His stomach churned dangerously as his barrel rolling eyes landed on his shoes. He thought about going back to school and nearly threw up at the idea of seeing any of his friends or classmates or teachers or even the cinder block walls or linoleum floors.

He used his trembling hands to remove his phone from his pocket and called his mom to bring him home at least for the rest of the night.

—

Shirabu paced around his bedroom to pass the time much like he had for the previous three days. He was having a hard time doing much else, including sleep. He hadn’t been able to offer his parents an explanation past  _ ‘a friend got sick’,  _ but he knew they knew there was more to it than that. The rest of the explanation was not his to give. Even if he wanted to be honest, he wasn’t sure how. He wasn’t sure if he was lying, he didn’t know how he felt or even what he knew. Everything felt like it hung precariously around, toying with the line of reality.

He chewed on his thumb nail as he paced impatiently. He wasn’t sure what he was waiting for or if that something would ever come. All he knew was he’d know when he knew. School had become an unwelcome place in his head, as he felt  _ certain  _ that when he returned he’d be confronted with the knowledge that Goshiki was dead. The thought terrified him to the core of his being, but he couldn’t express that fear in any way that mattered or helped.

His parents gave up on checking on him at some point yesterday. He kept snapping at their concern, ‘assuring’ them that  _ ‘nothing was wrong, so leave me alone’.  _ Immediately after the anger faded, guilt set in. Shirabu felt as though his body was cased tightly in cement and there was no way out once he was inside.

He reached the window and turned to go back when his mother pushed his door open. The numbness in him immediately melted into distaste and annoyance then exploded brightly into anger. Why wouldn’t she just let him do what he needed to do?

_ ‘What  _ do  _ I need to do?’  _ He thought sourly.

“Someone is here to see you,” she said quietly.

Shirabu’s anger immediately dampened due to confusion and he nodded before looking down at the clothes he hadn’t changed since the night they went to the hospital. He hadn’t showered either and likely looked like a disgusting grease ball, but he didn’t care. He followed after his mother, partly eager, partly terrified. He dreaded seeing anyone he knew and if they were there to see him, he had to know them.

_ ‘Most likely Tendō-san. He hasn’t stopped texting me.’ _

Only, what he saw upon entering the living room was  _ far  _ worse than Tendō Satori. What he saw immediately crushed his soul up into anger, fear, anticipation and premature confirmation of his darkest thoughts.

“Goshiki-san, why are you in my home?”

Goshiki’s mother slowly placed her bag down on the floor before sniffing largely. Shirabu took a step back as he eyed her uneasily, feeling heavier and just  _ worse  _ the longer she didn’t say anything for. The woman slowly approached him and wrapped her arms tightly around him. Shirabu did not hug her back as fear seized his heart. She sucked in a wet breath in his ear as she held him tightly.

“I— Is…” Shirabu whispered.

_ “I’m sorry,”  _ she shuddered out.

Shirabu closed his eyes tightly as the heavens crashed to earth, “Oh.”

_ “Thank you.” _

Confusion thumped his heart back into action, if only slightly, “What?”

She hugged him tightly before releasing him, “I— I advocated.”

“Oh?” Shirabu frowned deeply.

“There was a biopsy. I— I demanded after I— After I told you to go? And  _ I’m sorry—  _ I was so… Confused and scared and—“

Shirabu held a hand up, “There was a biopsy.”

“Yes. They rushed one. I demanded. I wouldn’t let them— I refused to take no for an answer. It took some time but they got it done.”

“So he’s alive?”

Her eyes flashed, “Oh, god. I’m sorry— I was cryptic! I— Yes.  _ Yes.  _ Very much so. I’m so sorry.”

Shirabu let out a large breath and felt some of the lead from his lungs leave with it, “It’s alright. What were the results of the biopsy?”

She nodded and wiped at her cheek, “The tissue was extremely damaged.”

“Yeah?”

“Likely from  _ at least a year  _ of his own body attacking them.”

Shirabu nodded, “Did they give him a diagnosis?”

She nodded, “Yeah. Kidney disease.”

_ “Seriously?”  _ Shirabu snapped. “After all that?”

“They’re still looking into it,” she whispered. “They— Moved his appointment up.”

“To when?”

“Next month.”

“That’s good,” Shirabu ran his sock along the carpet in an attempt to ignore his own mother’s gaze on his head.

“Do you— Do you want to come see him?” She asked quietly. “I’m pulling him out of school for the time being, so…”

“That’s likely for the best.”

“Yes,” she agreed. “He’s upset about that. I need him home for at least a month until we get used to the changes that are coming.”

Shirabu nodded, “Yeah.”

“Do you want to come?”

“Okay.”

“Maybe you should change,” his own mother whispered from the door.

Shirabu glanced back at his outfit and nodded before going to do just that.

The setter followed Goshiki’s mother back into the ICU and hesitated outside of the door to his private room. She warned him about the condition of the spiker on the ride over and he still wasn’t ready to actually see it. He steeled his expression and entered the room, genuinely expecting him to be asleep.

“Hey! You!  _ Abandoner!” _

Shirabu bit his cheek hard as Goshiki smiled broadly and sat forward at his arrival. He glanced around the room at the machines. Heart monitor, a few other meters and he was hooked up to an IV. He had large bandages on his arm below his IV site and the other monitors hooked up to him in a few other various places, but it was  _ significantly  _ less bad that his mother had let on.

“Hello, Goshiki. How are you feeling?”

Goshiki pursed his lips and eagerly watched Shirabu as he entered the room and took the seat beside the bed.

“This is gonna sound weird, but really  _ clean.” _

The setter nodded slowly, “That makes sense.”

“You think so?”

“I heard you got dialysis. Yeah, I’d say that makes sense.”

Goshiki held his left arm over the bed to show Shirabu his bandages, “I got surgery!”

“What for?”

“Ah,” the spiker pulled his arm to his own face. “I don’t really know. They said it’s for  _ future  _ dialysis.”

“Oh,” Shirabu nodded. “An AV fistula?”

Goshiki blinked at him, “That sounds right but I’m not sure.”

“It’s when they fuse a vein and an artery together to get better blood pressure for dialysis. Sound right?”

“Wow!” Goshiki beamed, “What? Are you gonna be a doctor?”

Shirabu resisted a wry smile as pain panged in his chest like a ping pong ball, “Are you going to be a marine biologist?”

“Huh?”

“Just because you know a lot about that, too.”

Goshiki slowly smiled and laughed strangely, “I just like that stuff, I don’t want to make a  _ living  _ off of it.”

“No?” Shirabu asked as he leaned back in the chair.

“No!” Goshiki laughed.

“Me, too. Only with doctor stuff. Remember the book we were reading?”

“Yeah?” Goshiki furrowed his brow.

Shirabu crossed his legs and laced his fingers together over his top knee as he recited a quote, “Sometimes a cigar is just a smoke and a story’s just a story.”

Goshiki smiled, “And sometimes people just know things about stuff because they wanna?”

Shirabu snorted and nodded, “And sometimes people just know things about stuff because they wanna.”

“That’s a good book,” Goshiki sat back.

“I’ll bring it next time I see you.”

“Next time?”

“Yeah, next time.”

“I’ll probably be at home next time! I can’t  _ wait  _ to get out of here! I’m so bored.”

“Bored means alive.”

Goshiki snapped and pointed at him,  _ “That.  _ Is true.”

“Indeed it is.”

_ “I  _ couldn’t help but notice I didn’t have your phone number while I was in here  _ dying  _ of boredom,” Goshiki crossed his arms.

Shirabu blinked dumbly at him, “You’re in the  _ intensive care unit  _ at the  _ hospital  _ for  _ kidney failure  _ after  _ vomiting blood  _ for  _ who knows how long  _ and  _ god knows what else  _ and you’re going to say you’re  _ dying of boredom?” _

Goshiki pressed his lips together in a failed attempt to push down a smile,  _ “Yes.  _ Also, that I don’t have your phone number.”

“Yes, I’m aware that you don’t have it.”

Goshiki balked at him and threw his hand down on the bed then laughed loudly, “I could’ve  _ died!  _ Give me your number!”

Shirabu raised an eyebrow at him, “I should give you my number because you could’ve died?”

“Not just that— I could  _ still die,  _ maybe. I’m not sure.”

“I’m not following your reasoning. If anything I should distance myself before I get too attached.”

“That’d be mean if I didn’t know you didn’t mean it,” Goshiki pushed his phone at Shirabu. “Put your number in!”

“I did mean it,” Shirabu said as he pushed the phone back at him.

“Nope,” Goshiki sang. “C’mon, how are we gonna talk if you don’t?”

“We won’t.”

“That’s the problem!” Goshiki laughed and slapped the phone into his arm.  _ “C’mon!” _

“Give me one good reason other than you could’ve died,” Shirabu said, then quickly continued when he saw Goshiki’s evil grin.  _ “Or  _ that you could still die,  _ maybe,  _ you’re not sure.”

“I wanna talk to you! And having your phone number will make that easy!”

Shirabu heaved an over dramatic sigh before ripping the phone from his hand, “Fine.”

He quickly added himself as a contact, purposefully leaving his name blank. He handed the phone back and rolled his eyes at Goshiki’s large smile.

“You should put a lock on that in case it gets stolen.”

Goshiki frowned and held it back to him, “You forgot your name.”

“No, I didn’t.”

“Yes, you did,” he pushed the phone at him. “See? Blank!”

“I know it’s blank.”

“Then put your name there!”

“So you really did forget my name again.”

“I can’t  _ help it.” _

“What do you think my name is?”

_ “I don’t know!” _

Shirabu nearly laughed at his outraged face, “What do I look like?”

Goshiki pursed his lips as he studied him, focusing on his hair for an extra second, “Koji.”

_ “Koji,”  _ Shirabu repeated with raised eyebrows. “Child of light.”

“Yep! What do I look like?”

Shirabu crossed his arms tightly across his chest and stared unblinkingly at him as he thought.

“Yuichi.”

“What does that one mean?” Goshiki beamed.

“Gentleness. Superiority.”

“Aw,” Goshiki cooed unironically. “You think I’m superior? To you or just, like, in general?”

“No, I think you have a superiority complex.”

The spiker sat back before laughing wildly, “I definitely do! And for good reason! I’m the best!”

“You think so, huh?”

Goshiki took another minute to laugh before sucking a shuddering breath in and holding his phone back up with shaking hands, “Put your name there.”

“Just put in Koji. I gave you my phone number, that’s enough for today.”

Goshiki frowned, but did so. He stared down at the screen for a moment before setting it aside and laying back on his pillows. He stared at Shirabu in silence for a long while before either spoke.

“Stop staring at me.”

“Why?”

“Exactly. Why?”

“Because your hair looks dumb.”

Shirabu  _ nearly  _ let out an indignant laugh,  _ “My  _ hair. At least  _ my  _ hair has character.”

“Mine does  _ so  _ have character!”

Shirabu stuck his nose up, “Besides,  _ I  _ recall  _ someone  _ saying my hair is  _ pretty.  _ I remember because it was a  _ ludicrous  _ thing to say.”

“I’d say. They sound like an idiot.”

Shirabu scoffed as he looked back down at him, but the humor in his eyes said he remembered, “They certainly are.”

Goshiki slowly reached a hand out and Shirabu let it hang there for a while before slowly reaching out and taking it lightly in his own. The setter stared down at their joined hands when Goshiki ceased his heart’s beating.

“Hey,” he whispered. “Can I ask you something?”

“What?” Shirabu whispered without looking up.

Goshiki stared at him for a moment. The beeping in the room suffocated Shirabu as he waited and waited  _ and waited— _

“Does it bother you that I have a number two above yours despite being younger than you?”

Shirabu glared harshly at him, “You can remember our  _ jersey numbers but don’t know my name?” _

“I told you that I don’t control what I remember!”

“You’re  _ ridiculous,”  _ Shirabu sighed. “It’s like you have a volleyball for a brain.”

Goshiki laughed and gripped his hand harder as he rolled onto his back, “That’d make things easier.”

Shirabu hummed flatly as he looked back at their hands and scowled at how Goshiki’s hand dwarfed his own. He slowly shook his head before glancing back up. The spiker stared at the ceiling. The rash on his face was mostly gone, but some redness still remained. The smell of sunscreen mixed horribly with the scent of the hospital room.

“I hate being sick.”

“I can only imagine.”

“But that’ll make my story so much more  _ epic  _ when I’m the best spiker in the whole world.”

Shirabu snorted, “There it is.”

“What are  _ you  _ gonna do to change the world?” Goshiki turned his head to look at him.

“Maybe I’ll open a rehabilitation centre for toddlers addicted to technology.”

“A noble cause,” Goshiki nodded gravely. “You and my parents would get along.”

“Oh,  _ exceedingly,”  _ Shirabu rolled his eyes. “Why are you so  _ awake?  _ I haven’t seen you like this in a long time now.”

“Medication is a wild thing. It isn’t that I’m not soul crushingly  _ exhausted,  _ I just can’t sleep. You know?”

“You seem pretty excited.”

“Yeah! I haven’t seen someone my age in, like, seven years. It’s a pretty exciting time!”

“Hm.”

They lapsed into silence for a while longer. Goshiki took to swinging their hands in the space between the chair and bed.

“Why don’t you have a girlfriend?”

“Who said I don’t have a girlfriend?”

Goshiki blinked up at him before laughing, “You don’t have a girlfriend.”

“How do you know?”

“Because you’d  _ surely  _ rub it in my face. Or mention her at some point. Or spend  _ any  _ time with her.”

“Fair enough.”

“So, why don’t you have one?”

“Why do you care?”

“Just curious.”

Shirabu shrugged, “I don’t want one.”

“Ohh,” Goshiki snickered. “I forgot you’re dead inside.”

“That’s right.”

Goshiki laughed again before resting his head firmly on his pillow and smiling warmly at Shirabu. The setter had to look away from his eyes and stared back at their hands before gently retracting his. Goshiki’s sole hand hung off the side of the bed as Shirabu shifted his weight in the chair.

“Can you play that song again?”

“What song?”

“I forget what it’s called,” Goshiki muttered. “I just remember hearing it.”

“Do you remember how it goes?”

Goshiki stared at him as his cheeks began going dark, indicating he definitely did know but was likely afraid of humming or singing. Shirabu’s eyes shifted to the increasing rate on the heart monitor.

“Any of the words?”

“It was an english song,” Goshiki mumbled. “Something about trees.”

“That doesn’t quite narrow it down.”

“I hope you’ll climb it soon,” Goshiki whispered.

Shirabu furrowed his brow as he thought,  _ “Oh. I sing I swim?” _

“Maybe. I don’t remember.”

The setter took out his phone and searched for the song before playing it at a low volume. He placed the phone on the edge of the bed and sat back as it played. Goshiki shut his eyes as he listened and Shirabu watched the heart monitor as it returned to normal and even slowed a bit.

_ ‘Throw me a dream, please. It’s been a dreamless sleep for such a long time. Such a long time.’ _

“I remember that part reminding me of you,” Goshiki mumbled. “I dunno why, but it still feels right.”

“Maybe it’s your borderline obsession with my discernible lack of direction.”

“What?” Goshiki opened his eyes.

“We have the same conversation about how I don’t know what I want to do after high school.”

“Oh.”

Shirabu frowned as Goshiki rolled his head away. He quickly reached his hand out to catch his before it got too far. He stared at their hands, surprised at his own gesture. Goshiki was evidently surprised as well as he also stared at their hands with wide eyes.

“It isn’t a bad thing. To have that conversation, I mean,” Shirabu whispered. “It may actually help to make a decision eventually.”

“It  _ is  _ a bad thing,” Goshiki snapped.

Shirabu nodded, “I just meant it doesn’t annoy me, since I think that’s what you were thinking. I’m willing to bet it's more frustrating for you than it is for me.”

“It’s  _ very  _ frustrating,” Goshiki strained. “I used to have such a  _ good  _ memory. I used to be  _ smart.” _

“You’re not stupid.”

“I  _ feel  _ stupid.”

“Facts and emotions are often different.”

Goshiki sighed and gripped his hand tighter, “I hope I get to play in the inter high.”

“Me too.”

Goshiki laughed lightly, “How do you like that?”

“What?”

“I’ve been rotating  _ Tylenol  _ and  _ Advil  _ every four hours for as long as I can think of to help with what I can virtually  _ guarantee  _ is lupus and then I end up here and get criticized for that because it’s bad for my kidney to take so much of that medication. There’s no winning, huh? Play to lose.”

“Your appointment got moved up.”

“Yeah, but my  _ kidneys still failed.  _ Not  _ kinda got banged up.  _ They fully  _ failed.  _ Now I have to rely on machines to do their job until I can get a transplant.”

Shirabu hummed his acknowledgment, not knowing what to say. Goshiki looked over with teary eyes.

“Wanna know something I read?”

He surely didn’t but he said, “What?”

“I read that people with end stage lupus nephritis die within three months of starting dialysis. If they’re going to die, anyway.”

“Don’t read things like that. You don’t even know for sure if that’s what it is.”

“I can almost  _ guarantee  _ that’s what it is. Watch. You’ll see.”

“Okay, but you don’t know that.”

“Fine,” Goshiki looked away. “Want to know the  _ really  _ messed up part?”

“Huh? That wasn’t the messed up part?”

Goshiki laughed bitterly, “No.”

“Then what?”

“You have to spend at least three months on dialysis before getting a transplant. Even if you have a donor.”

Shirabu shifted uncomfortably, “That’s probably because they don’t want to…” He paused before the word  _ waste  _ left his mouth, “Squander the opportunity to use kidney donations for more hopeful cases if most deaths occur during that time anyway.”

Goshiki glanced at him and scoffed before stealing his hand away in favor of placing it behind his head, “You really  _ should  _ be a doctor. You know how to talk like them.”

“I’m sorry if it’s hard to hear, but lying to you isn’t helpful.”

“Yeah.”

Silence consumed them. Goshiki glared up at the ceiling before clicking his tongue and looking back.

“I  _ also  _ read that generally people only really live for five years with lupus if it’s severe and untreated.”

“Oh?”

“Guess how long it takes  _ on average  _ to get a diagnosis.”

“How long?”

_ “Six goddamn years.” _

“Oh.”

Goshiki’s heart monitor sped up as he sat up angrily, “The whole thing is so  _ backwards!  _ Five year survival rate, six year diagnosis time! Three months on dialysis before you can get a transplant but most people die in those three months! Then—  _ Then!  _ Then when you  _ do  _ get diagnosed they give you  _ immunosuppressants  _ because your  _ stupid  _ immune system is  _ attacking  _ your body  _ for no reason—  _ and then people  _ die  _ because of other illnesses because their  _ immune system is weakened!  _ I am  _ so  _ mad.”

Shirabu let out a slow breath, “It isn’t fair, but please try not to think about it until you get some kind of definitive answer. Okay? It doesn’t help you.”

_ “Nothing helps me.” _

Shirabu sighed and bit his cheek hard enough that he tasted copper, “I’m going to tell you something you don’t want to hear. Are you ready?”

Goshiki glanced over before throwing himself down, “Break my heart. I’m ready.”

“Doctors are doctors because they want to help people. The vast majority of the time, anyway. It’s a lot of money, time and effort to become a doctor. A bit of a stretch to say it’s a money grab, don’t you think?”

Goshiki glared at him and said nothing.

“I don’t think this lack of research or understanding comes from a place of  _ willful  _ ignorance, okay? I read about it, too. Lupus is a master of disguise. It’s symptoms are vague and mimic a lot of other things. No one wants to see these statistics. No one wants people to die. It’s tragic and it isn’t okay.”

Goshiki sighed, “Yeah.”

“I know you feel sure about what you think. I genuinely think they’re taking it into consideration, what with moving your appointment. I don’t think they—  _ this  _ doctor anyway, is trying to discredit your opinion. He just can’t tell you anything definitively that he can’t back up with absolute fact. That’s his job. All he can do is get you answers which is a slow and frustrating process, but you just need to hold on the best you can until you can get those answers. Okay?”

“What if I  _ can’t—“ _

_ “What did I say about what ifs?” _

“Not helpful.”

“That’s right.”

Shirabu sighed heavily and stood. Goshiki looked up at him with a slight frown.

“You’re leaving?”

“There’s school tomorrow.”

Goshiki nodded slowly and sat up, “I can text you?”

“I gave you my number, didn’t I?”

The spiker nodded slowly, then stared in shock as Shirabu sat at the edge of his bed. The setter slowly leaned in and wrapped his arms around Goshiki. The spiker blinked a few times before gripping him closely. Shirabu closed his eyes and pressed his face into his shoulder, breathing in the heavy scent of starchy detergent and sunscreen.

“I’m glad you’re not dead.”

“Well,  _ thank you,”  _ Goshiki chuckled lightly.

Shirabu gripped him tighter as he glared down and put a sharp edge in his tone, “If you  _ ever  _ get that sick again and  _ don’t  _ tell someone I’ll be  _ sure  _ you don’t get another opportunity to do so.”

“Deal,” Goshiki breathed.

The setter’s eyes moved to the heart monitor, where it beeped at a perfectly even, slow pace. He patted Goshiki’s back before standing suddenly.

“Goodbye for now, Goshiki.”

“Goodbye, Koji,” Goshiki laughed. “Or whatever your name is.”

Shirabu paused by the door before passing through quickly, “Shirabu.”

“Goodbye,  _ Shirabu!” _

—

To Shirabu’s shock and astonishment he went three entire days without receiving a text message from Goshiki. He found himself checking his phone more and more frequently as panic slowly leaked through his veins over the course of those seventy two hours. He sat with his study group and flicked his pencil against his book as he gave his phone a death glare, urging it to light up with a notification. After some time of that, he perked up and reached to snatch it up as it actually  _ did so. _

**_[Kubo Toshiyuki]:_ ** _ Wtf is going on with you? _

Shirabu glared heavily at his screen before angrily holding it up and gesturing to it.

_ “This,”  _ he snapped, “Is not  _ fucking funny.” _

Kubo stared at him flatly with his cheek against his hand and his phone in the other, “Yeah, it wasn’t a joke. What the fuck is going on with you?”

“I’m waiting for an email.”

“What email? Does your  _ life  _ depend on it or something? You know you’re our friend and you can talk to us, right?”

Shirabu scoffed and threw his phone back down, “Obviously I know that.”

“Then?” Kubo shook his head.

“Fine. If you  _ insist  _ on knowing every intimate detail of my life, I am expecting an email.”

“So you said.”

“Yes,” Shirabu shifted uncomfortably. “I was expecting to receive it much sooner than I am and I’m becoming impatient.”

“Maybe just email them again. Maybe they haven’t responded because they missed the original.”

Shirabu pursed his lips and muttered to his book, “There is no original.”

“What?”

“I’m waiting for an email. I haven’t sent one.”

Kubo frowned deeply, “Then send one. Maybe they got yours wrong or something.”

“No, I gave it to them perfectly.”

“Sending one still won’t hurt.”

“I don’t have their email.”

His friend shook his head, “What the hell kind of interaction  _ is  _ this? So bizarre.”

Shirabu sighed heavily and stood as he packed his things, “Don’t worry about it. It’s complicated.”

“Where are you going?”

“I need to be alone.”

_ “What the hell, Shirabu?” _

The setter glanced up, very taken off guard by his hostile tone. It was very unlike the boy to be angry. Shirabu furrowed his brow and stared at him.

“What?”

“Why do I have to  _ beg  _ for you to talk to me? You’ve been so different and  _ weird  _ lately. You haven’t even been in class then you show up like it never happened and don’t even say anything to us about it when we  _ ask?  _ Why won’t you let us care about you?”

Shirabu glanced around at the rest of his friends who all stared down, up or otherwise away in awkward, but agreeable silence.

“Why do I  _ need  _ to tell you everything? Sometimes I’d like to keep things private.”

_ “Everything  _ is private lately, though. It just doesn’t really feel like we’re friends anymore is all. Between your volleyball and secrecy and strange absences, I dunno.”

“It doesn’t feel like we’re friends anymore?” Shirabu asked flatly as he raised his eyebrows.

Kubo slowly shook his head, “Not really.”

The setter scoffed as he picked up his bag, “Alright, then. Thanks.”

“So instead of talking about it you’re just going to shut us out?” Kubo demanded.

Shirabu slung his bag across his chest, “If we aren’t friends then I hardly see the point.”

“Why are you acting like a  _ child?  _ I said it doesn’t  _ feel  _ like we’re friends, not that we’re  _ not  _ friends.”

“Uh huh,” Shirabu couldn’t hear him. His frustration, panic and general malaise clattered around in his head, blocking his hearing. “Bye.”

He was about to open his door when his phone went off in his pocket again. He rolled his eyes, figuring it was just Kobu lecturing him, so he ignored it. He threw his bag down and opted to take a bath before going to sleep.

Shirabu pulled his blanket over himself and reached out for his charger before plugging it into his phone. His body spiked with hot panic as he saw a text from an unknown number. He held his phone in shaking hands as he read the text seven times over.

**_[Unknown]:_ ** _ Hey. Sorry that I haven’t texted yet! When do you think “next time” is? Just because I’ve been thinking about the book! I’ve been thinking about this quote: “If you've ever been homesick, or felt exiled from all the things and people that once defined you, you'll know how important welcoming words and friendly smiles can be.” Sorry if that was dumb aha I just feel it right now. I hope you have a good night, Shirabu. _

He was shocked by  _ many  _ aspects of the text. The punctuation, the content, the fact that it was one solid paragraph rather than a million tiny ones. He definitely pegged Goshiki for a quadruple texter. He skimmed his thumbs over the keyboard before noticing how nervous he was.

“It’s just Goshiki,” be breathed before typing a fast response and sending it off.

His breath hitched as his phone dinged again nearly straight away, but made himself wait a decent amount of time before responding.

**_[Shirabu Kenjirō]:_ ** _ Why demand my number if you weren’t going to text for three days? _

**_[Unknown]:_ ** _ I just forgot, sorry. _

**_[Shirabu Kenjirō]:_ ** _ I was joking. How are you? _

**_[Unknown]:_ ** _ Not funny!! Nearly clinically insane? So bored. You? _

**_[Shirabu Kenjirō]:_ ** _ I am so funny. About to go to sleep. _

**_[Unknown]:_ ** _ Your sense of humor is like the good parts of your haircut. Just impossible to see. _

**_[Shirabu Kenjirō]:_ ** _ My sense of humor is an acquired taste. Maybe consider acquiring some taste then try again. Also before you talk about my hair again. Out of curiosity, did you WASH the salad bowl after you cut your bangs before using it again? _

**_[Unknown]:_ ** _ Why did the child that cut your hair hate you so much? _

**_[Shirabu Kenjirō]:_ ** _ Kids tend not to like me. I think it’s my face. _

**_[Unknown]:_ ** _ I can understand their feelings. _

**_[Unknown]:_ ** _ Lmao jk please don’t glare me to death _

**_[Shirabu Kenjirō]:_ ** _ I’ll sleep on it. Are you home yet? I don’t like the smell of the hospital. _

**_[Unknown]:_ ** _ Ugh, tell me about it. I go home tomorrow after d i a l y s i s.  _

**_[Shirabu Kenjirō]:_ ** _ Do you live far? If not I can bring you your book after practice. _

**_[Unknown]:_ ** _ No I live really close by actually! _

**_[Shirabu Kenjirō]:_ ** _ Then why do you board here? _

**_[Unknown]:_ ** _ I guess you’ll find out when you bring the book. Rip _

**_[Shirabu Kenjirō]:_ ** _ Enthralling. Send me your address. Goodnight. _

**_[Unknown]:_ ** _ GOODNIGHT!!!! _

—

Class was terribly awkward with Shirabu’s new vow of silence with Kobu. His other friends didn’t even really try to talk to him, either. Practice was better than class, but not by much. He managed to get Ushijima and Tendō to swear to secrecy out of respect for Goshiki. Unfortunately, their coach seemed to be going through something especially vile if his extra sour attitude was anything to go by.

The setter all but  _ fled  _ from the gym once their allotted time was up. Shirabu returned promptly to his room and changed quickly before staring at his clothes. He hummed and decided he’d shower before leaving. He returned to his room in fresh clothes and glanced at himself in the mirror before turning. Shirabu pursed his lips and adjusted his collar, then leaned forward and glared before returning it to how it was before. He scowled as it still looked strange and decided to just change his shirt. It wasn’t until he held the new garment in his hands that he realized he was  _ preening.  _

“What the  _ fuck,”  _ he breathed to his shirt. “This is  _ stupid.” _

He threw his shirt on before grabbing his bag and storming out the door. He groaned loudly and returned to his room to retrieve the book he took from Goshiki’s room earlier in the day and shoved it into his bag before leaving all over again.

He was allowed entrance to Goshiki’s home by his older sister. She stood in the entrance way with crossed arms as she watched him remove his shoes. Shirabu slowly glanced up at her blank expression.

“What’s up with your hair?” She asked.

He did everything he could to keep his expression even, “What?”

“It’s really bad.  _ Really.”  _ She gestured to her own long hair and used her fingers to ‘cut’ diagonally across it, “That’s why you don’t cut your own hair, huh?”

Shirabu blinked slowly then stood. He hadn’t the faintest idea of how to respond to that. That was the first thing she said to him and he  _ wanted  _ to yell that nothing was wrong with his hair, but it wasn’t his house— it was her’s, in fact. There wasn’t much he could do, considering he refused to be polite just for the sake of it. She continued blocking the way and they stared at each other for what felt like four entire lifetimes.

_ “Sakiko,”  _ their mother appeared from around the corner. “Are you torturing him? Go. Shoo.”

Sakiko stared at Shirabu for another moment before turning on her heel and walking away. The setter turned his attention to the woman. She bowed to him.

“I apologize for her. She… Is skeptical of people, to put it lightly.”

Shirabu nodded before gazing around the rather impressive and absolutely spotless space, “I see.”

“He’s been ordered for bed rest,” she said absently as she gestured for him to follow.

Shirabu held his bag closely to himself as they walked over the slick and cold floors to a staircase. The rooms were nearly void of furniture or personal decor. She led him up the stairs and to the furthest door from where they stood. There were no actual doors on any of the hinges except for the bathroom and another room, but it was closed so Shirabu couldn’t tell what it was. He let out a slow breath and leaned into Goshiki’s doorway.

“Shirabu!”

“Hey.”

The setter slowly walked in and glanced around at the absolute  _ lack  _ of things within. There was his bed, which was not removed from the floor, and an overstuffed bookshelf. No desk, no decor, no bedside tables— and again, no door. Goshiki sat up and smiled at him, but Shirabu was uncomfortable for more reasons than just those.

He slowly turned and saw Goshiki’s mother still standing in the doorway just… watching him. He blinked and turned back to Goshiki, who also stared at him. He let out another slow breath before placing his bag down.

“Do you need that?” She asked, pointing to his bag the second it touched the floor.

“My bag?” He asked.

“Yeah. If you don’t need it then I can just put it away for now. No need to have it just hanging around, right?”

Shirabu glanced at Goshiki, who wouldn’t meet his eye all of the sudden. He glanced back down to his bag, his mind reeling— the encounter made absolutely no sense to him.

“I’d like to just keep it here, if that’s okay.”

She frowned deeply and nodded. Shirabu kept his eyes on the floor for an excruciating amount of time before she sighed and walked away, shortly followed by a door slamming. He finally looked down at Goshiki, who held his face in his hands.

“Oh, my god,” he muttered. “Please get me out of here.”

Shirabu gazed around the eerily empty room before lowering himself to the floor and crawling beside him and whispering, “I don’t want to be rude, but I have so many questions.”

“You  _ love  _ being rude,” Goshiki threw his hands onto his lap. “What questions do you have?”

_ “What is going on?” _

Goshiki stared at him for a second before laughing loudly, then immediately stopped when his sister yelled for him to shut up. The spiker laid back against his pillow and sighed to the ceiling.

“Whatever conclusions you want to draw are fine with me, but I don’t want to get into it. I’m sorry.”

“That’s fine.”

“Did you bring the book?”

“Huh? Oh, yeah,” Shirabu crawled back to his bag and got the book before tossing it onto Goshiki’s lap. “How are you feeling today?”

“Like I wish I died in the hospital.”

Shirabu froze in his crawl and shot him a soul wilting glare, “Fucking idiot. Don’t say shit like that. What’s  _ wrong  _ with you?”

Goshiki rolled his eyes and gestured vaguely to the room. Shirabu followed his gesture and sighed. He didn’t have the whole story, but based on the paragraph he’d been shown, he couldn’t blame him. The few interactions he’d had with the spiker’s mother made  _ him  _ wish he’d died in the hospital himself. Maybe by being hit by an ambulance.

_ ‘No,’  _ he thought.  _ ‘Irony is no way to go out.’ _

“What are you doing?” Goshiki snickered.

Shirabu looked down and realized he was still frozen in his strange prowl-like crawl position. He quickly sat back on his feet with a harsh scowl.

“This is a disaster,” he huffed.

Goshiki nodded, “Terrible. Glad you’re suffering now, too, though.”

Shirabu stared down at him as he stared up at the ceiling. He pursed his lips and laid on the pillow beside Goshiki’s on his side and slapped the book.

“Read to me. I read the last few times.”

Goshiki stared at the book and handed it to Shirabu, “No. I’m so tired that I can’t see straight.”

“Why don’t you sleep then?”

Goshiki huffed and turned on his own side to face Shirabu, “They basically gave me  _ insomnia  _ pills, amongst many others.”

“Oh. That sounds horrible.”

“Yep! All the exhaustion, none of the relief. Plus my muscles and knees hurt too much to fall asleep.”

“Do you want me to read, then?”

Goshiki stared at him with heavy eyelids for a moment, seemingly considering him, “Can you play the song about trees first?”

“Yeah. Why don’t you download it on your own phone?”

“I don’t have any music streaming things. I don’t really listen to it often enough to justify paying for it anywhere.”

Shirabu nodded and played the song quietly before placing his phone between them.

“You could always play it on YouTube.”

“We don’t have any internet,” Goshiki sighed.

“Right.”

They listened in silence for a bit longer. They faced each other and lay less than a foot away from each other, but neither looked the other in the face. Shirabu chewed on his cheek.

“This song isn’t  _ about  _ trees, by the way.”

The setter nearly winced as Goshiki’s eyes landed on him, twice as deep as the core of the earth, “What’s it about, then?”

Shirabu rolled onto his back to escape what he perceived as two unorthodoxly deep graves— somewhere he’d happily lay to rest forever, “I think… Hm. Maybe about someone living with someone who has depression. Maybe he lost them to it, too.”

Goshiki pushed himself up on an elbow, “What makes you say that?”

Shirabu squinted and pursed his lips, “The line  _ ‘I miss you even when you’re around’  _ indicates to me that this person he cares about just isn’t quite the same anymore, perhaps due to depression. I think depression specifically because of the lines  _ ‘darling, please show your teeth’,  _ as in  _ ‘please smile again’.  _ As well as  _ ‘human skin can be hard to live in, you’ll feel better in the morning’.  _ To me that means he understands they’re struggling but doesn’t quite know how to help aside from validate and gently guide. Also the recurring motif of  _ ‘swim’.  _ Swim before you drown, you know? Keep your head above water, metaphorically speaking?”

Goshiki watched him closely as they sat in the silence of a new song.

“And you think they died?”

Shirabu sighed, “Personally I don’t think they  _ died.  _ I think the person he’s singing about may be  _ gone  _ or  _ lost.” _

“Like… Missing?”

“No, as in their  _ person.  _ You know how you get to know someone and sometimes they just change and you feel like they died even though they’re sitting beside you still?”

Goshiki blinked, “I can’t say I do know that feeling. Do  _ you  _ know that feeling?”

“Not personally.”

“What about the line  _ ‘no one could ever take your place’?  _ That screams dead to me,” Goshiki mumbled.

“I hear that more as a… How do I explain this?” Shirabu exhaled, his brain buzzing happily at the discussion. “They’re still there, but this  _ new  _ person wearing their skin suit can’t replace who they were before.”

Goshiki scrunched up his face, “Gross.”

Shirabu glanced at him and let out an amused exhale, “Whatever.”

“The  _ ‘throw me a dream’  _ line reminds me of you. I don’t remember why I thought that, but I know I did and it feels right.”

Shirabu hummed flatly before looking at him, “A line in that song reminds me of you, too.”

Goshiki perked up, “Which one?”

_ “‘In your boat tied to a tree, I hope you’ll find the sea.’” _

Goshiki furrowed his brow, “How come?”

The setter shrugged and looked back to the ceiling, “Because you’re a loser that likes the ocean.”

“Uh,  _ yeah!  _ Because it’s  _ awesome!” _

“Spoken like a true tasteless loser.”

“Ah, whatever. Anyone who doesn’t like the ocean doesn’t get a say.”

“A say in what?”

“Anything.”

_ “Nothing at all?” _

“Nope.”

“Noted,” Shirabu whispered to keep his laugh from his voice. “Brat boy.”

Goshiki leaned over Shirabu to grab the book and placed it firmly in his hands. The setter glanced at him as he did not return fully to his pillow in favor of staying close by to read along in the book. Shirabu opened it without argument and started reading.

By the time his throat was dry, Goshiki got up to go to the washroom. Shirabu sat up once he left the room and looked to the window where rain pounded. He raised his eyebrows, surprised that he hadn’t noticed it till then. He stood and moved to look out into where the sun struggled to be seen from behind the thick grey clouds circling up above.

He nearly screamed when Goshiki materialized beside him and tapped the windowsill.

“Ya know what my grandma used to say about rain?”

“Hm?”

Goshiki leaned forward to peer around the rushing water on the glass, “She said it rained when heaven had to accept someone they weren’t ready to take. That the rain is just the angels crying for their new friend. And that thunderstorms are when they’re especially upset about who they had to take in too soon.”

Shirabu frowned deeply, “That’s dumb as fuck.”

Goshiki blinked and covered his mouth as he wheezed with laughter, “You’re so—  _ rude!” _

_ “Sorry!”  _ Shirabu exclaimed. “All rain means is that it needs to rain! Did she ever hear about the water cycle? I mean—“

_ “Shirabu,”  _ Goshiki wheezed.  _ “Please shut up.” _

Shirabu huffed loudly before leaning back on the windowsill, “Your grandma was Catholic or something then?”

“Christian,” Goshiki nodded.

“Weird,” Shirabu snapped his head back to him. “You know Christians don’t believe in evolution, right? You know that?”

Goshiki shrugged, “Not all of them.”

“Still.”

The spiker chuckled lightly as he moved from the window, “No offense, but I don’t feel like having a nuanced discussion on religion. No one ever wins those.”

Shirabu marched over to him and leaned up into his space, “Are  _ you  _ Christian?”

Goshiki frowned down at him, “Would it matter if I was?”

Shirabu furrowed his brow, “No. Are you, though?”

“No, are you?”

_ “Obviously not.  _ Why even ask? I mean, if you think ab—“

The setter froze entirely as Goshiki wrapped his arms around him and placed his chin on his head. He made absolutely no effort to break through his shock in time to hug him back before the spiker moved away.

“Not everything needs to be an argument, you know.”

Shirabu balked at him, “I do not argue every…thing…”

Goshiki watched him with a raised eyebrow and an amused grin.

“That wasn’t fair, you trapped me.”

Goshiki laughed quietly, “You trapped yourself.”

“You want some advice?” Shirabu followed him back to his bed angrily.

“What?” Goshiki winced as he made the far journey to the floor.

“Quit on your volleyball dream and become a lawyer instead. Or a genie. You’re shady just like both of them.”

Goshiki looked up at him with wide eyes, “Lawyers are shady?”

“Lawyers are the  _ worst,”  _ Shirabu crossed his arms.

“The worst, huh?” Goshiki laid back.

“Yeah. I’ll tell you something you’ll likely understand— it’s never rained over a  _ lawyer  _ before.”

“What did lawyers ever do to you?”

Shirabu shrugged, “Existed on the same planet as me?”

Goshiki snickered and shut his eyes, “You know what one of your flaws is?”

Shirabu glared down at him, “No.  _ Please  _ indulge me.”

“You generalize too much. You might be happier if you look at things on a smaller scale.”

_ “Happier?”  _ Shirabu scoffed, “I’m plenty happy, thank you.”

“You sure seem plenty happy, angry elf.”

Shirabu’s glare lifted slightly, “Fine.”

“Fine what?”

“I’ll try it.”

“Good.”

_ “Good.” _

They stared at each other from their different levels for a long time. The song even changed twice before they spoke. Shirabu glowered at him and threw his hands on his hips.

“You’re  _ so  _ lucky your kidneys failed.”

Goshiki laughed harshly,  _ “What?” _

“I’d kick your ass otherwise!”

“For  _ what?”  _ Goshiki snickered.

“Calling me an  _ angry elf, what else?  _ So mean for no reason. Absolutely uncalled for.”

“Yeah, but your comment about grandma—“

“Grandma  _ chose  _ to be Christian. I did not choose to be short.”

“So…” Goshiki reached a foot out and kicked him in the shin, “You  _ admit  _ you’re short then.”

Shirabu rolled his eyes and moved to lay back beside him, “No.”

“Really? Becau—“

_ “No.” _

Goshiki laughed hard but quietly, minutely shaking the padding beneath them. Shirabu glared at him the entire time until he lost the energy to do so.

“You’ve gotten me used to napping. It’s become a problem.”

Goshiki stared blankly at Shirabu, but the setter once again got the feeling he wasn’t actually looking at him. The spiker’s eyes blinked so heavily that Shirabu was certain he was out, but they opened again.

Goshiki tsked before finally coming back to life and meeting Shirabu’s eyes, “I’m in so much pain.”

“Is there anything you need? I can take you out of your misery.”

“That may be the only option,” Goshiki glanced to Shirabu’s hand before holding his own out. “I just wanna sleep but my brain keeps turning over the same  _ nothing.” _

Shirabu considered his hand for a second before granting his permission in the form of turning his palm up. Goshiki placed his palm over Shirabu’s as he rolled over to not strain his reach. The spiker’s face fell into a natural pout and watched their hands with heavily lidded eyes.

“What do you mean, the same nothing?”

“I can’t explain. Words are too hard.”

Shirabu’s eyes pulled further shut as Goshiki took to toying with the tips of his fingers, “Try. I’ll figure them out.”

Goshiki sighed, “It’s like… There’s thoughts but they don’t mean anything. You know those bunnies but not bunnies? Smaller? Pointless?”

“Um?”

“Ugh. See? Words. Sometimes they just don’t exist.”

“Keep trying,” Shirabu whispered as Goshiki continued playing with his hand.

“They live in cages. Usually little kids have them?”

“Hm… Hamsters?”

“Yeah! Hamsters! You know how they have those exercise wheels? They just run and run but don’t go anywhere?”

“Yeah?”

“It’s like that!”

Shirabu forced his eyes fully open to take in Goshiki’s intense stare before shutting them fully, “Hamster wheel brain havin’ ass.”

Goshiki chuckled lightly, “Yeah. It’s more than that, though.”

“Oh?”

“Lately it feels like words are missing. So when I think and try to… string them together there’s like. It's like a spoon.”

“A spoon,” Shirabu said flatly as he looked at him again.

“Uh huh. A spoon of soup. You know the kind with the letters?”

“Alphabet soup?”

“Yeah!” Goshiki leaned slightly forward in his excitement at the correct guess, “Like alphabet soup. The spoon chooses a few letters and that’s all there is to use, you know?”

Shirabu narrowed his eyes as he thought, “Okay. So, thinking is like a spoonful of random letters. I guess that makes sense.”

“Yeah?” Goshiki beamed, “Maybe I’m not as bad as I thought!”

“Yeah, it’s not bad,” Shirabu yawned.

“It’s easier when I talk to you, though. The doctor and my family don’t really understand.”

Shirabu’s hand twitched as Goshiki tickled his palm, “Yeah? What makes it easier?”

“We’re a team,” Goshiki snickered. “You and me, remember? You have my back?”

Shirabu’s eyes snapped open then narrowed, “Oh, so you remember  _ that  _ but not my name.”

Goshiki half smiled, “It comes and goes, Shirabu.”

Shirabu reached out with his free hand and pushed Goshiki’s bangs up and to the side. They immediately fell back into place, so he did it again and held them there.

“You should start styling it this way.”

“No. I like my bangs.”

“Alright, but let the record show I gave you  _ free  _ advice. Normally someone would have to pay me for such solid advice.”

Goshiki snorted and took his hand from Shirabu’s to spread his bangs blond cleanly across his forehead. The setter blinked as his vision was obscured by small strips of pale honey. He blinked a few times, his hair tickling his eyelashes.

“You should  _ definitely  _ keep yours like that. Hides your face,” Goshiki snickered.

Shirabu couldn’t stop the nasty smile that attacked his lips, “Yeah, you’re looking a lot better this way, too.”

“I’d be angry if you weren’t  _ smiling!”  _ Goshiki squeaked.

“Fuck off, it isn’t a  _ happy  _ smile.”

“It definitely is. You were  _ so  _ happy and proud of that rip.”

Shirabu brushed his hair out of his face and tried to seek Goshiki’s hand out as discreetly as he could, “It was funny. So what?”

Goshiki hardly glanced down as Shirabu nudged his hand back under his in the hopes that he’d play with his fingers again. His eyes slid shut as he got what he wanted and Goshiki’s larger hand toyed with his.

“Did you go to nationals last year?”

Shirabu nodded, “Yes. That’s why Semi hates me so much.”

“What’s it like?”

The setter let out an involuntary sigh as Goshiki pulled on his fingers, “Great. Annoying. Ultimately devastating. Winning is hard. The teams there are great.”

“Who beat you out?” Goshiki whispered.

Shirabu opened his eyes to glare harshly,  _ “Fukurōdani.” _

“Where are they from?”

“Tokyo. You really don’t— Never mind. Yes, they’re among the top four in the nation. Their ace is in the top five in Japan as well.”

“Our ace is in the top three, though,” Goshiki whispered.

“And yet our team is only in the top eight.”

Shirabu stared at Goshiki’s frown and felt his lips pulling into another nasty grin. The further his lips pulled, the more Goshiki leaned away and the harder he stared.

“Why are you smiling?”

“Because,” Shirabu whispered back. “After they beat us, I refused to shake that setter’s hand. Coach didn’t even get mad at me. It was great.”

“Why wouldn’t you shake his hand?”

“Because it took all of my self control not to spit in that asshole’s face. He’s too cocky. Sneaky, but in a bad way. He didn’t  _ say  _ anything snotty, but it was all in his eyes the entire time. Then their ace shut down. I honestly don’t understand how he’s top five because he genuinely seems unreliable despite his skill when he is on his game. The smile that setter had on his face when their ace came back to life was ridiculous. Don’t be  _ proud.  _ He shouldn’t have broken down to begin with.”

Goshiki snickered lightly, “They sound like a disaster.”

Shirabu’s smile fell as he shrugged, “They’re a solid team, obviously. They just have no integrity.”

“We’re just going to have to beat them this year!” Goshiki beamed.

Shirabu snorted and curled his fingers up into Goshiki’s, “You need to focus on healing before you get to play.”

His eyes snapped up to Goshiki’s dark ones when he said nothing initially. The spiker chewed on his lip as he glared over Shirabu’s shoulder.

“There isn’t any  _ ‘healing’.  _ You understand that, though, right? There’s just… Next. No better, just hopefully no worse.”

“Yeah. You need to focus on not getting worse before you play, then.”

“I have a lot of catching up to do,” Goshiki glared harder. “I’ve been out for too long now.”

Shirabu nodded and watched Goshiki’s fingers run over his palm, “It sucks because you  _ already  _ had a lot of catching up to do.”

“I’ll just have to work extra hard.”

“Yeah, you will.”

“It’s okay,” Goshiki beamed. “Because when I tell people about how I became the world’s most powerful ace, it’ll only add to the beauty of my story!”

Shirabu bit back his urge to scream, “You’re gonna be the world’s most powerful ace? What about just the world’s best player?”

Goshiki nodded and rolled his eyes, “Yeah,  _ duh.” _

“How can you be the world’s best player if  _ I’m  _ going to be the world’s best player?”

Goshiki furrowed his brow and laid back in shock, “Wait, what?”

“Yep. Watch out for your biggest competition.”

Goshiki leaned over to look into his eyes before laughing wryly, “You’re— You’re planning on playing after high school?”

Shirabu snorted, “No. I’m just messing with you.”

“Why not, though? You’re good enough!”

Shirabu glanced up at him as he hovered over his face, “It’s just not what I want to do.”

“What  _ do  _ you want to do?”

The setter shrugged, wishing his fingers were still being played with as he stared past Goshiki— also wishing he didn’t have to have that conversation anymore, “Maybe I’ll marry rich. Be a trophy husband.”

Goshiki leaned more forward to force him to meet his eye, “Oh?”

“Then I’ll invest my spouse’s money in a manufacturing company that specializes in cat-specific fanny packs.”

Goshiki snorted and sat back again, “You’re messing with me again.”

“Maybe. Too soon to tell.  _ ‘Life turns on a dime’.” _

Goshiki’s eyes flashed at the book quote, “God, tell me about it. Read some more.”

“Hm, I heard the demand but my ears didn’t pick up on the manners. I’m sure that was my fault, though.”

“Please,” Goshiki rolled his eyes.

Shirabu stared at him for a long moment, considering his sunken eyes and flushed cheeks, “Maybe you should try to sleep.”

“I told you about the insomnia pills, didn’t I?”

“You told me. You should still try.”

Goshiki huffed as he laid heavily on his back, “Tell me more about this  _ ace.  _ The bad one in the top five.”

“What about him?” Shirabu rolled on his side to face him.

“What makes him so good when he’s on his game, and more importantly… how do I beat him?”

“Big. Tall, muscular. Simpleton. Very sharp cross shots. His strength is extraordinary, though. When I say  _ very  _ sharp cross shots I mean… Incredible. Insane. There was nearly no angle he couldn’t pull off. Worse than that were his  _ line shots.  _ He could get through any amount of space.”

Goshiki hummed, “I hope I can meet him. Just to beat him, that is.  _ My  _ line shots will put him to shame! What’s his name?”

Shirabu scoffed and lowered and softened his voice to imitate the other setter the best he could,  _ “Bokuto-san.  _ God, how could I  _ ever  _ forget? He said it  _ so goddamn  _ much that I heard it in my head when I tried to sleep that night.”

“Wow, you’re a bit bitter, huh?”

Shirabu ignored him, entirely lost in his petty memory, “His hair looked  _ stupid.” _

Goshiki glanced over at him, “More stupid than yours?”

Shirabu huffed, “Worse. Even more stupid than yours.”

“That’s pretty bad,” Goshiki laughed. “What’s so stupid about it?”

The spiker watched the setter with wide eyes as he sat up and pushed his hair up with his hands, “Like this! Only, it stays that way  _ all the time.  _ And he has  _ frosted tips,  _ Goshiki.  _ In this year.  _ He looks like a— A… He looks like a bird! It’s a shame because he’d actually be  _ very  _ attractive if his hair wasn’t so stupid. And if  _ he  _ wasn’t so stupid.”

Goshiki raised his eyebrows so far they disappeared behind his bangs, “Oh?”

“And then the way he  _ fought  _ with his teammates  _ on  _ the court! Shameful, really. Especially with his setter.”

“They  _ fought?” _

“Bickered, more like. Still, though,” Shirabu crossed his arms. “Even when you made me want to peel my own skin off we didn’t fight on the court because we have  _ some  _ sense of pride. Not that idiot.”

“What’d they bicker about?”

Shirabu turned and sat on his knees, leaning forward on his hands as he whispered,  _ “Math.” _

“Excuse me?”

“Math,” Shirabu whispered. “Trigonometry.”

Goshiki stared at him for a long time with his eyebrows still gone behind his hair before he slowly furrowed them down,  _ “...Why?” _

_ “I. Don’t. Know.” _

Goshiki opened his mouth to speak before closing it again. They stared at each other for a long time. The setter sat back and crossed his arms again before sticking his nose up.

“Can you imagine? Standing on the  _ National stage  _ and bickering about a math test? In the middle of a game? Our coach would eat us alive. How  _ embarrassing.  _ That’s why it was so hard for me to behave respectfully towards that setter.”

“Even though he’s older than you? I mean, Semi is mean to you but you’re still nice to him.”

“I  _ respect  _ him. That doesn’t change just because he’s a bit bitter. Fukurōdani’s setter isn’t actually older than me, though. He was also a first year student last year.”

“Seriously?”

“Yeah. I looked in the program. He’s actually a bit younger than me. By over half a year.”

Goshiki’s frown turned into an evil grin, “Outclassed by someone that young, huh? Does it hurt? It’s okay if it hurts.”

_ “It doesn’t hurt.  _ I can’t imagine that guy would be much without such a strong team.”

“I mean… If he’s a first year on a powerhouse— Is that school a powerhouse?”

“Yeah.”

“If he’s a first year on a powerhouse team, then surely he’s good. Especially if they got to Nationals.  _ Especially  _ if they beat us at Nationals.”

“Whatever. We’d  _ all  _ be that great if we just  _ relied  _ on our ace—“

“You  _ do  _ rely on your ace.”

Shirabu glared harshly at him, “Shut up.”

Goshiki laughed loudly, “What’s the  _ real  _ reason you hate them so much? You keep contradicting yourself.”

“They beat us! Do I need more reason than that? Their ace outshone ours! It was  _ humiliating!” _

“Just say that then,” Goshiki muttered. “No need to run around in circles.”

Shirabu glared harder as the spiker muttered something under his breath. The setter leaned forward with venom leaking from his eyes.

“What was that? What’d you say?”

“Nothing,” Goshiki rushed as he looked anywhere else.

Shirabu leaned forward dangerously,  _ “What’d you say?” _

_ “I said you probably hate him because he’s probably taller than you,”  _ Goshiki cried.

Shirabu lunged forward and hovered directly over his face, “So what? I’m not that short! Just because you’re all gia— I’m still a starter, aren’t I?”

“I dunno, I tend to look  _ up  _ when I’m playing. Can’t say I’ve noticed you before.”

Shirabu balked at him before sitting up and sticking his nose back in the air, “Interesting. If you haven’t noticed me, then I hope you’ll be able to notice the ball that will never be sent to you again either.”

Goshiki pushed onto his elbows, “Say sike.”

Shirabu turned his face further away, “No.”

Goshiki sat fully up and glared at him, “Say sike!”

Shirabu opened his eyes, “No!”

Just as the setter was about to insult him again, he made the mistake of looking at him. He sat back slightly in shock before finding his voice again.

“Why are you crying?”

Goshiki glared harshly at him, “It doesn’t count as crying until a tear actually falls!”

“That’s what you’re concerne— Never mind. Why are you upset?”

_ “I don’t know.” _

“Uh?”

Goshiki flopped back and sniffed at the ceiling before covering his face with his hands, “I probably won’t even get to play in the inter highs even if I don’t  _ die.  _ How am I going to ever become—“

Shirabu held his breath in anticipation of the end of his sentence. Goshiki sucked a harsh breath in before moving his hands and steeling his expression.

“How am I ever going to become aware of how stupid that guy’s hair is if I don’t meet him,” he whispered.

Shirabu let out his breath slowly, more than thankful they weren’t about to talk about his  _ extremely  _ difficult goals at that moment. He shifted slightly and looked into his red face.

“I’m sure they have games up on  _ YouTube.  _ We could watch one if you’d like. You’ll really be able to see how stupid his hair is like that.”

“We don’t have any internet.”

“I have unlimited data. Would you like to watch a game?”

Goshiki nodded, “I want to see the exact moment that setter crushed your spirit.”

“We can watch any game except that one,” Shirabu mumbled as he looked it up online.

He picked a game Fukurōdani played against Inarizaki the previous year. He glanced at his phone before forcing it into Goshiki’s hand and laying beside him.

“Why do I have to hold it?”

“You wanna have big hands, you get to hold the phone.”

“So you being short isn’t a choice, but—“

“I’m not short. Sh. The game is on.”

Goshiki laughed lightly and settled back into the pillows. Shirabu’s breath caught and his anxiety raced under his skin like a swarm of carnivorous bugs as he glanced at Goshiki’s face. He slowly shifted over and rested his cheek against his shoulder as he looked up at the screen above the spiker’s chest. Goshiki glanced down before adjusting his grip on the device for the sake of Shirabu’s ease of viewing.

“Good?”

“Yeah,” Shirabu breathed.

Goshiki watched the screen closely and pointed at the ace, “That’s him?”

“Yep. Dumb hair, huh?”

“I know I’ve only looked at him for a total of approximately eight seconds, but it looks like it suits him.”

Shirabu glanced up at how the light reflected over his dark eyes, “It does. He’s  _ also  _ stupid, remember?”

Goshiki snickered, “We’ll see!”

Shirabu turned more into the spiker to ease the strain on his neck as they watched the game begin. The cameras really favored both Miya Atsumu and Bokuto. It seemed like any second they didn’t need to be on the ball, it was on one of them. Shirabu tsked after what had to be the four millionth time the setter cried out  _ ‘Bokuto-san’. _

“If I hear that in my sleep again I’m suing you,” Shirabu mumbled into his shoulder.

Goshiki glanced down at him, “That’d require lawyers.”

“You’re right. Not worth it.”

_ “Phew.” _

“Ah, shut up.”

Goshiki exhaled loudly and leaned his head down on Shirabu as they continued watching. The setter’s heart was about to run away with the spoon. He slowly shifted closer, hoping to go undetected. Goshiki took a hand off the phone to point at Bokuto.

“He  _ is  _ attractive, though.”

“You think so?”

“I don’t see how anyone could reasonably say otherwise,” Goshiki muttered. “I mean  _ you  _ even said so. Usually straight men don’t compliment other men like that unless it’s undeniable.”

Shirabu’s mind reeled. Either Goshiki was testing him and pushing for a confession or he genuinely was unaware. Either way, the anxiety bugs dug further into his skin. He let out a breath he hadn’t realized he was holding when Goshiki spoke again.

“That being said, he isn’t really my type.  _ Also,  _ I’m not seeing what you were talking about. They look totally focused.”

Shirabu frowned and squinted at the screen, realizing he was right, “Yeah. They seem like an entirely different— Holy  _ shit.” _

“What?” Goshiki sat back a bit to stare with wide eyes.

Shirabu glared up at him and pointed angrily to the phone, “They didn’t think we were a threat!”

_ “What?  _ What makes you say that?”

“They fucking— Talking about a  _ math test  _ in the middle of our game. They didn’t think— It seemed  _ so  _ easy to them that they didn’t even  _ care about the game! What fucking assholes!” _

Goshiki frowned and held the phone closer to stare at it, “Okay. Maybe we should watch them play a game with someone a little bit worse than Inarizaki. Or maybe on the same level. It could be a fluke.”

“Fine.”

“What team would that be?”

“Mujinazaka High,” Shirabu said and selected the game. “I hope they’re assholes here, because  _ damn.  _ I don’t want to have to fight that human boulder.”

The setter allowed his hand to fall just beneath the phone on Goshiki’s chest as he glared at the screen. The hotness of his anger purged his skin of his crawling anxiety. Goshiki returned his cheek to the side of Shirabu’s head as the game started. Shirabu’s anger only grew as they were much more serious during that game, too.

“What the  _ fuck,”  _ he snapped.

_ “Can you two shut up? Holy god!” _

Their heads snapped up to the door as Goshiki’s sister yelled again. Shirabu’s face flushed and he lowered his voice.

“Why wouldn’t they think we’re a threat? That’s  _ so  _ disrespectful! Even if you don’t  _ think  _ someone’s a threat you give it your all!”

“Yeah,” Goshiki breathed. “We can’t really hear what they’re saying a lot of the time, though. All those goofy looks the ace is giving? He could be saying  _ so  _ much about math when he— Hey.”

Shirabu frowned as Goshiki double tapped the left of the screen to rewind the video a bit. He then hovered over the pause button until he got to what he wanted to see before actually pausing it. Shirabu frowned and leaned more into his space as the spiker brought the phone closer to squint at it.

“What am I missing?”

“Okay, I don’t know if I’m crazy, but— Just watch, okay?”

“Okay?”

Goshiki rewound the video again and held the phone so Shirabu could see. The setter stared confusedly into the spiker’s expectant expression after he didn’t find whatever he was talking about. Goshiki shook his head and rewound it again and pointed along with the moving images.

“Okay, so number nine hits a  _ sharp  _ lineshot— beautiful, but that’s only part of it. First one of the game… At the end of the first set. After a  _ deuce,  _ okay?”

“Okay?”

“Immediately he looks at number eleven. Look… Like, I don’t want to assume, but look at how they react to each other.”

Shirabu furrowed his brow as the boys beamed, screamed and ran to embrace each other. The setter’s reaction wasn’t so different from the  _ rest  _ of the team.

“I don’t get it.”

“It just looks like they love each other.”

“They’re teammates, I’m sure they do.”

“Not like that,” Goshiki sighed.

_ “Oh.” _

“Yeah. I dunno. It’s just how his immediate reaction was to go to number eleven that way. He hardly acknowledges the rest of the team. It’s as though  _ his  _ validation was all that mattered to him.”

“I mean…  _ You  _ do that, too. Look for immediate praise after getting a spike.”

“But it’s— Are you listening?”

“Yes?”

“Don’t you see it? Their eyes?”

Shirabu huffed and took the phone from his hands to look closer. He chewed on his cheek as he saw exactly what Goshiki was referring to. Based on the image before his eyes it appeared as though that setter thought Bokuto was greater than the earth itself and Bokuto thought the setter was the one who revolved the earth around the sun. Shirabu thrust the phone back into Goshiki’s hand.

“Yes. I see it.”

“Thank god. I wasn’t sure if I was crazy, but honestly… It looks so obvious that if you didn’t see it I’d just say you’re so blind to romance that it makes you look stupid.”

_ “What?”  _ Shirabu balked.

Goshiki snickered as he played the game again, “I’m joking.”

“It wasn’t funny.”

“Yeah, isn’t that your sense of humor? I thought you’d love it.”

Shirabu snorted, “Yeah, I  _ love  _ my perpetual aloneness. Thank you.”

“Just date someone. What’s stopping you?”

Goshiki glanced down when Shirabu said nothing. He looked back to the screen and laughed again.

“Is it that you’re blind to romance?”

_ “Oh, my god,”  _ Shirabu huffed. “Next conversation.”

“Okay. Do you think you hate these guys so much because you subconsciously picked up on their fiery love and were so jealous that you interna—“

_ “Goshiki,”  _ Shirabu glared. “Don’t make me pull rank on you.”

Goshiki laughed loudly then stopped when his sister yelled. She didn’t yell words that time, though. She just  _ yelled.  _ Goshiki lowered his voice to a whisper.

“You can’t pull rank in my house, sorry about it.”

“Fine. Then let’s turn the focus on  _ you.  _ Make  _ you  _ uncomfortable. How does that sound?”

“Impossible. Shoot.”

Shriabu glared lightly at him before shifting around and clearing his throat,  _ “Okay.  _ So, if Bokuto isn’t your type, what is?”

“Uhh,” Goshiki lowered the phone hand to rest on his chest as he thought, “I’m not totally sure, honestly.”

“Cop-out.”

Goshiki laughed and shook his head then spoke very quietly, “I like pretty boys, I guess. Bokuto is, like,  _ hot.  _ It’s intimidating.”

Shirabu frowned at Bokuto on the screen, “You think he’s  _ hot?” _

“Are we looking at the same guy? You don’t have to lie because you think I’ll think you’re gay.”

“I— What? I didn’t say he isn’t. Though… I don’t know. Maybe it’s just how stupid he is, I don’t know.”

“He doesn’t seem all that stupid.”

“Just trust me. You haven’t heard him talk about something that wasn’t volleyball.”

“Fair enough.”

“Then is that setter more your speed?”

Goshiki hummed as he waited for the camera to show him again, then shrugged, “Not really.”

“Why?”

The spiker shrugged again, “He just… I dunno. There’s nothing really  _ wrong  _ with him. I just don’t think he’s that cute, I guess? Plus he looks like he’s the type who would text you  _ ‘I’m upset’  _ then when you ask what’s wrong he’d go  _ ‘I don’t want to talk about it’.” _

“Wow.”

“Yeah!” Goshiki breathed a laugh before pointing at a different player. “He’s cute, though.”

Shirabu squinted at the blond Fukurōdani player, “You think so?”

“Yeah, I guess. He seems fun but not annoying. He’s good enough to be on that team. Why not? He also doesn’t look too tall or too short.”

“You really took all that into consideration just to call him  _ cute?  _ I just… Look at people’s general physique. It’s not that deep.”

Goshiki pursed his lips, “Yeah. That isn’t what romance is about.”

“It isn’t romance. It’s judging people.”

“On if they’d be a suitable person for you.”

“No. To look at.”

Goshiki glanced at him, “You really  _ are  _ blind to romance.”

Shirabu hummed, “So you don’t find him physically appealing aside from his lukewarm height?”

“Uh,” Goshiki waited to see him again. “He has a nice smile. Obviously he’s fit, but that’s whatever. I like his hair, I guess, but I could take it or leave it. He just looks kind. He has a friendly face.”

“Yeah, true.”

“What about you?”

“What about me?”

“What’s your type?”

Shirabu glanced up at him, suddenly really feeling his heat in his side and the anxiety bugs made a very severe appearance. The rain still pounded aggressively against the house. He twisted his fingers together and shrugged.

“Physically or?”

“Your ideal person.”

“Okay. Intelligent. Driven. Understanding about space and boundaries. They’d have their own life and wouldn’t mind me having mine, but would know I’m there for them if they need me. I could also rely on them if I needed to. Preferably someone who’s not as competitive as I am, just because… You know. That’d be for the best.”

Goshiki smiled at the phone, “Yes, but competition drives you to be better.”

“I don’t think competition belongs in a relationship.”

“What if it’s like  _ ‘I bet I can think of a better date’ ‘No, I can’  _ then you both slowly plan better and better dates. Who loses?”

“That sounds stressful. Any date should be the best date ever if you care about the person you’re with.”

Goshiki blinked at him in surprise, “Maybe you  _ aren’t  _ totally hopeless. What about physically, then?”

“Oh. I don’t know. It doesn’t really matter, honestly. The only thing I’d really care about is that they’re fit.”

Goshiki frowned, “You wouldn’t date a bigger girl? That’s kind of shallow.”

“It isn’t about  _ bigger,  _ it’s about fit. I don’t care about size as long as they can keep up with me on a run. I don’t care if they’re the most fit  _ looking  _ person in the world. If they can’t run a block without being out of breath, I don’t want them. They need to take care of themselves.”

“That’s a much better answer.”

“Yeah. Glad you  _ approve.” _

“I do,” Goshiki snickered. “Why not find her, then? I’m sure she exists and would definitely go for you.”

“I don’t want her.”

“But  _ why?” _

“I don’t want to date anyone.”

“I’m sick of asking why.”

“Then stop.”

Goshiki laughed silently, “Fair enough.”

Shirabu glued his eyes firmly to the screen as Fukurōdani made a valiant effort against the opposing team. Goshiki ran his thumbs along the edges of the phone as he watched, then huffed.

“My line shots are  _ at least  _ equal to his.”

“Yeah,” Shirabu breathed as he adjusted the phone slightly.

He allowed his hand to once again fall directly downwards onto Goshiki’s chest. The spiker shifted slightly and placed his cheek firmly against Shirabu’s head once again. The setter’s eyes grew heavier as time moved on and eventually fell asleep to the sound of  _ ‘Bokuto-san! Bokuto-san! Bokuto-san!’  _ accompanied by the discreet sound of Goshiki’s steady and even breathing.

Shirabu startled awake to the heavy crash of thunder. He pushed himself off of Goshiki’s chest with one hand and stared at the window while his entire body trembled off the heaviness of his exhaustion. The golden light of the street lamps illuminated the rushing stream against the glass in strange blurbs of brightness. He let out a sharp exhale as his brain caught up to what was happening. He looked down at Goshiki who was actually sleeping with one arm over his forehead. He had one knee cocked up and the other to the side. His other hand held Shirabu’s phone loosely to his abdomen, but the screen was long blackened by then.

Shirabu slowly removed his hand from Goshiki’s chest and sat up to rub his eyes. Only, he didn’t get that far. Before he could even get his hands halfway to his face, his heart was kicked to the back of his chest so violently he was certain that he could turn and see it still beating on the pillow behind him. Goshiki’s mother stood in the doorway, just staring at them. Shirabu would’ve screamed, but he was too startled to even do that. All he could manage was to clutch his chest and stare in unadulterated horror.

“Sorry,” she whispered, “Did I scare you?”

Shirabu took a deep breath to keep from berating her,  _ “Yes.” _

“Sorry,” she repeated then pointed to his bag on the floor. “Do you need that?”

Shirabu stared incredulously between her and his bag, “Yes.”

“You’re sleeping, you couldn’t possibly need it right now. I’m just going to put it away, okay?”

“I’d rather have it with me.”

She pressed her lips into a tight line, “Nothing will happen to it. It just needs to—“

_ “Mom.” _

Shirabu’s head snapped down to Goshiki, who hadn’t actually moved. He kept his arm over his forehead, but stared blankly at the ceiling.

“Leave him alone, okay?”

“I can’t sleep knowing—“

_ “Mom,”  _ Goshiki all but begged.  _ “Please.  _ It’s fine.”

_ “Tsutomu, it isn’t fine,”  _ she nearly snapped.

“Okay,” Shirabu whispered as the light behind Goshiki’s eyes definitively went out. “You can put it away.”

She smiled and nearly ran to grab the bag, then left without another word. Shirabu turned and leaned over to meet Goshiki’s eyes.

“Hey.”

“Hello,” Goshiki glared up. “Sorry.”

Shirabu shrugged and reached to take his phone and check the time, “I missed the last train. I can’t believe we slept so early.”

“I can’t believe I slept at all,” Goshiki yawned.

_ “Tsutomu, can you shut up? It’s one in the goddamn morning!” _

Shirabu’s head snapped to glare at Goshiki’s sister through the walls. When he looked back, he was shocked to see the spiker laugh. Goshiki dragged his hand down his face and smiled at the ceiling.

“God, I hate it here.”

“I can’t say I blame you,” Shirabu whispered back. “How are you feeling?”

“Like my knees were glued in place. I’m scared to move them.”

Shirabu pursed his lip, “What kind of glue?”

“What?” Goshiki glared back at him.

“Like… White glue or super glue? Or maybe that special barnacle glue you told me about?”

Goshiki snorted amusedly, “Barnacles.”

“That’s tough,” Shirabu laid back down. “Just move them. Get it over with.”

“I’ll probably yell and then Sakiko will  _ definitely  _ come beat me up.”

Shirabu huffed and sat up. Goshiki watched him wearily, then in shock as the setter pressed his hand over his mouth. Shirabu quickly reached down and shoved Goshiki’s legs back so they laid straight on the bed and winced as the harsh yelp he let out, even if it was mostly muffled by his hand.

He took his hand away and sat back, “There. Bandaid, ripped.”

“Thanks,” Goshiki groaned.

“You’re welcome!”

Goshiki sucked in a sharp breath and he shifted, “Okay.”

Shirabu winced as Goshiki shifted painfully onto his side to face him. The spiker stared intently at him between heavy blinks. Shirabu pushed his bangs out of his face then laid down. He scowled as his bangs just fell into his eyes again anyway. He was about to move them again when Goshiki beat him to it. The spiker collected the hay colored, choppy locks in his fingers before tucking them behind Shirabu’s ear. The setter stared with wide eyes as he focused on his task. He only just managed to pull his composure together when Goshiki’s eyes found his again, but his hand still hadn’t fallen. Shirabu exhaled as evenly as he could as Goshiki’s knuckles slid down his cheek and back to the padding of the bed.

“You need a haircut.”

“Shut up.”

Goshiki laughed and closed his eyes, “Just sayin’ that it goes past your ears now! Gotta stay on top of that.”

“Whatever,” Shirabu shoved an arm under the pillow and continued staring at Goshiki.

The spiker spoke again just as Shirabu was about to count him out for the night, “Do you use a ruler or just free hand it?”

_ “Shut up.  _ Go to sleep.”

“But we just slept so much.”

“Last week all you did was sleep.”

“That was last week, though. Now it’s this week.”

Shirabu blinked as Goshiki looked at him again, “What do you suggest we do, then?”

“I want to go outside.”

_ “Outside?” _

“Yeah.”

“Your skin.”

“It’s night. Also the clouds—”

Shirabu rolled his eyes and moved to stand, feeling even more annoyed when his hair fell back into his eyes, “Fine.”

Goshiki held his hands up and Shirabu sighed before throwing his entire weight back to assist him in standing. It became much harder when the spiker ripped one hand away to bite down on it to keep from yelling. Shirabu frowned at the spiker as he shook his legs out with his hand still in his mouth while glaring at the ceiling. He slowly removed his hand and went to the closet where he removed Shirabu’s sweater. The setter crossed his arms.

“I take it that you’re grabbing that to give it back like how I said I wanted you to?”

“Sure. After we come inside!”

“Just wear your own,” Shirabu reached for it.

Goshiki held it up, “But it’s polyester.”

“You expect me to reasonably believe you don’t have polyester?”

“I don’t know what polyester  _ is.” _

“Your volleyball jacket will do just fine.”

“In the  _ rain?  _ Do you want Coach to whip me for getting it slightly dirty? That’s why we don’t just  _ wear  _ them.”

“That’s why you just own  _ two,”  _ Shirabu rolled his eyes. “One for around Coach and one for all the other times.”

Goshiki balked at him, “You have  _ two?  _ How?”

“I asked Ushijima-san.”

“Oh,” Goshiki breathed as he pulled the hoodie over his head. “Yeah, I’m not doing that.”

Shirabu rolled his eyes again and tapped his foot as Goshiki began applying his sunscreen, “Why? He’s your senpai. You shouldn’t be so—  _ So.  _ Arrogant.”

_ “Arrogant?”  _ Goshiki snickered. “Quite the opposite. He’s terrifying.”

“What?” Shirabu frowned. “How is he  _ terrifying?” _

“I dunno,” Goshiki paused as he rubbed sunscreen over his face. “I’m gonna replace him. I get the feeling he doesn’t like me.”

“So it  _ is  _ arrogance.”

Goshiki shrugged and reached back into the closet, “If that’s what you want to call it.”

“It is.”

Goshiki huffed and threw an umbrella at him before grabbing a face mask from within the closet and covered his face with it. He pulled the hood of the large sweater over his hair and shoved his hands into the kangaroo pocket. Shirabu stared blankly at him.

“Wow. That’s the best I’ve ever seen you look,” he muttered before turning to go outside. “You should wear that mask inside, too.”

Goshiki fell deathly silent as they moved through the house and Shirabu couldn’t help but notice the expertise in his silence. Goshiki pulled the front door open without making so much as the slightest creak and waited for Shirabu to exit before closing it again.

Shirabu glanced over to him as they stood beneath the large cover of the porch. The rain pounded heavily in front of them, four times as aggressive while actually out in it. The drops fell so heavily against the concrete below them that they splashed onto their skin. Fresh earth and rain drenched pavement washed over Shirabu in the cold of the night. Goshiki watched the sky with wide eyes. Neither bothered putting their shoes on and the water easily saturated their socks, but that was better than wetting their shoes for no reason.

“I feel like I haven’t actually been outside in forever,” Goshiki sighed. “I can’t believe I’m allergic to the  _ sun.” _

“Yeah, that’s pretty impressive. Hey, don’t—“

Shirabu shut his mouth into a firm line as Goshiki stepped out into the rain. He didn’t even try to throw him the umbrella. The way he stared up into the pouring water suggested he was getting a lot of what he was missing. He sighed and leaned against the railing, feeling the rain drip through his hair until it formed a strawberry honey sheet in front of his eyes.

“You should play the trees song,” Goshiki said over the hammering water.

Shirabu hummed and did so. He kept it on full volume so the spiker could hear it from where he stood in the lawn. His eyes widened slightly as he could hear him singing faintly to the song. Goshiki slowly turned and pulled his mask from his face and smiled at Shirabu.

“I’m really happy right now.”

“That’s good,” Shirabu nodded.

Goshiki approached the low railing and rested his forehead between where he gripped with his hands. Shirabu adjusted his own hands some so they wouldn’t be so close together with his. Goshiki slowly looked and blinked at him, stalling Shirabu’s heart to a dangerous degree. He reached out with a shaking hand and pulled the mask back over his face. Goshiki scrunched up his face under the mask, then narrowed his eyes at Shirabu’s shaking hand.

“Are you that cold?”

The setter blinked slowly, “No.”

“But you’re shivering!” Goshiki exclaimed as he placed his hand between both of his.

Shirabu frowned and pulled his hand back, “Your hands are way colder than mine.”

“My hands are always cold,” Goshiki laughed.

Shirabu couldn’t look away. Only the spiker’s eyes were visible, but that was still too much. They were too intense. Shirabu felt as though he’d keel over under their gaze, so he turned and slowly moved down the stairs. He took a deep breath and stepped out into the rain, immediately feeling its chill deep in his bones. Goshiki pulled his mask down again as he bounced over to him.

“Isn’t it great?” He breathed as he looked up.

His breath puffed out slightly in front of his face and Shirabu felt his stomach churning dangerously. He nodded stiffly and Goshiki laughed then turned as the song changed. Shirabu let out a shaky breath as the spiker spun in the rain, holding his palms up to it.

“I miss the water so much. I wish I could go swimming at the beach again.”

Shirabu followed behind him so he could hear, “Yeah.”

“We used to go sailing all the time, too! They still do, but I can’t go. That’d be really fun if I could, though!”

Shirabu bit his cheek, “Yeah.”

“My dad was just starting to let me do the things,” Goshiki laughed and gestured as if he was pulling on something before throwing his hands out. “Oh, well. There’s always room for change. Maybe I could go again.”

“Yeah.”

“You okay?”

Shirabu couldn’t feel his body. He could barely process information. He shook under the pressure of the rain and the chill of the wind. Goshiki was backlit by a street lamp as he frowned at his setter. The nonchalant attitude Goshiki took towards his health always got to Shirabu, but his vague reminiscing of the things he couldn’t do bit harder than the rain ever could.

“Yeah.”

Goshiki frowned and leaned down to meet his eye better, “What’s wrong?”

Shirabu moved his mask back on his face, “Keep this on. The lights.”

Goshiki snorted, “It’s fine.”

“No,” Shirabu whispered as he kept his hands on his cheeks. “It isn’t.”

Goshiki’s brow furrowed the longer Shirabu avoided his eyes for. The setter made the mistake of glancing up and seeing the tears that formed in them. He let out a shaky breath as Goshiki did the same, only louder. The spiker slowly put his hands on Shirabu’s to maintain their contact but so he could also look back up into the rain.

“I… Really could’ve died, huh?”

“Yeah,” Shirabu stared down. “You really could’ve.”

“It’s hard to think about.”

“Yeah, it is.”

Shirabu allowed Goshiki to pull him into his chest. He felt he needed the contact as much as he probably did. The setter wrapped his arms tightly around the spiker and rested the side of his face against his chest as they stared into the rain. A car slowly pulled down the street, illuminating them fully for only a moment and drowning out the sound of the music. When it was gone, he noticed the way Goshiki had tensed. His hands pulled firmly on the back of Shirabu’s sweater and his arms were locked tightly around him.

“I can’t  _ die,”  _ he whispered. “There’s too much left to do.”

“I agree. If you die, I’ll kill you.”

Goshiki sniffed, “I can’t let the team down. I need to— There’s nothing I can  _ do,  _ though.”

“You almost die and you’re concerned about the  _ team?”  _ Shirabu snapped.

“Yeah,” Goshiki squeezed him closer before he could leave. “I love our team.”

“They love you, too. Don’t worry about  _ volleyball.  _ It’s only high school.”

“Play the trees song again.”

“Again?”

“Yeah. Please?”

“Fine.”

Shirabu couldn’t fully pull away, so he relented to his not entirely unwilling fate of being squished against his firm chest as he attempted to navigate his rain stained screen. He eventually got the song back on and tucked his phone safely away again. Goshiki held him tightly and began swaying them lightly to the music. Shirabu kept his face against his chest and shut his eyes, not hearing anything aside from the rain and his firm heartbeat.

“Thanks for being here,” Goshiki whispered.

“Don’t thank me. That makes it seem like I’m doing you a favor.”

Goshiki sighed and pressed his mask into the top of Shirabu’s head. The setter squeezed his eyes shut harder, feeling a lump form harshly in his throat. No matter how he tried, he couldn’t swallow it down. He knew it was all a mistake. Getting attached. He couldn’t stop. Goshiki was all alone. There was something more, though. He refused to acknowledge that something more. It was easier to say that the spiker simply had no one else. He slowly moved his head away from Goshiki’s, feeling the weight of the touch, but quickly wished he hadn’t as their eyes met.

The song had moved into something impossibly slower and Shirabu cursed his own lovesick, depressed music taste. Goshiki reached up and pushed the sheet of hair out of Shirabu’s face and the setter moved back as though he’d been burned.

“Okay. Inside, now. You’ll catch a cold and that’s the last thing you need.”

“That’s a myth. About being cold and wet. Also, my immune system is wild. I won’t—“

“Even if it  _ is  _ lupus, which you don’t know, it makes you more susceptible to illness. Your immune system would be too busy with your healthy tissues to do much about invaders. Get inside.”

Goshiki huffed dramatically before turning on his heel and moving slowly to the house. They got to the door and Goshiki put his hand on the knob but didn’t turn it in favor of just staring at Shirabu.

“What? Stop looking at me.”

“You need to turn the music off.”

“Oh,” Shirabu breathed before doing so. “Right.”

Even then, Goshiki didn’t let them in. He continued staring at Shirabu for a bit longer before staring over his shoulder into the street. Shirabu hit him roughly in the arm.

“Go inside.”

“You’re a good friend,” Goshiki mumbled. “But you don’t need to take care of me, you know.”

“I’m not  _ taking care of you,”  _ Shirabu huffed. “It’s cold out here.”

“You’re  _ totally  _ taking care of me.”

Shirabu pushed at him, “No.”

“I never see you take care of other people like this.”

“No one else needs it.”

“And you stood in the rain with me. You don’t like the rain.”

“Rain is fine.”

“And you let my mom take your bag.”

“She wouldn’t go away otherwise.”

“And you let me hug you.  _ Twice. _ That’s new.”

“Crazy what I’ll do for a friend, huh? Shut up. Go inside. Walking back to school would get me out of the rain faster at this point.”

Goshiki stared at him and his reddening cheeks for a moment before turning silently and letting them inside. Shirabu screamed internally. Friends was one thing. Friends held deniability. Anything further went beyond a mistake— it became a catastrophe. Shirabu didn’t  _ date  _ people. He didn’t  _ care  _ for them. Everyone went away eventually, case and point, Kobu. Getting attached was  _ always  _ wrong, but it was  _ especially  _ wrong in the case of Goshiki Tsutomu. He shook minutely as he crept behind the spiker back to his room, but knew it could be passed off as shivers.

—

When Shirabu returned to school, he did so in Goshiki’s large clothes swimming over his form. He was an idiot and forgot to bring a change of his own. He had two missions, changing into his own clothes, and patching things up with Kobu. Goshiki wound up asking about it because the idiot texted the spiker to gossip, and ended up convincing Shirabu he was overreacting.

To his absolute horror, Kobu waited outside his dorm room. Shirabu checked the clock and saw it wasn’t even seven yet. What was he doing there? He pulled the dark red hoodie over the very recognizably not his shirt and shifted his bag to more in front of him as he tried pushing by Kobu, who stared at him in similar shock.

“Where were you, man?”

“Out.”

“Obviously. I thought you were in there.”

“Nope.”

_ “Clearly.  _ Where were you?”

Shirabu sighed loudly as he followed him inside the room, “I seriously need you to respect my boundaries.”

“Fine.”

Shirabu sighed and threw his bag down and Kobu balked at him as the sweater fell open.

“Oh, my god. You were with a boy! A  _ boy!  _ What boy? What does he look like? What’s his— Oh, my god.  _ Goshiki.  _ That’s his shirt! You slept with Goshiki? Hot  _ damn.” _

_ “Kobu,”  _ Shirabu snapped. “Boundaries. I didn’t  _ sleep  _ with him.”

“Why are you in his clothes then? You obviously wanted me to know!”

“We got caught in the rain and I didn’t have a change of clothes. How was I supposed to know you’d be  _ waiting outside my door  _ at what? Six forty five in the morning? What are you even doing here?”

“I was worried about you. No one saw you at dinner or just  _ around.” _

“Okay. I’m fine.”

“Clearly.”

“Can you leave so I can get dressed?”

“Just get dressed.”

Shirabu narrowed his eyes, “No. Please, get out.”

Kobu groaned loudly, “Are you seriously still being an asshole?”

“What?” Shirabu balked. “Because I want to change in pr—“

“It’s your  _ tone.  _ No one is  _ that  _ tone deaf, Shirabu.”

“I didn’t  _ have  _ a tone,” Shirabu snapped.

Kobu stood and crossed his arms, “Ya know, I never took you for one to neglect friendships for a relationship.”

Shirabu shook his head slightly before settling on just glaring harshly.

“I mean, I’m happy ya found someone ya actually  _ like,  _ but you really let it turn you into a dick  _ real quick.” _

“I am  _ not dating him. How many fucking times do I have to say it?”  _ Shirabu yelled.

Kobu was unphased by his harsh reaction, “Until it’s true. Why isn’t he around all the sudden? Where’d he go?”

Shirabu felt the anger that was scorching his throat swell with thick sadness, constricting his breathing, “Leave me alone. Fuck.”

“What is going  _ on  _ with you? You’re like, not even the same guy at  _ all  _ anymore.”

“Maybe you just didn’t know me as well as you thought,” Shirabu whispered dangerously. “You assume you just  _ know  _ people and you infringe upon things they don’t  _ want  _ you involved in. Then you don’t take no for an answer. If I am expressing  _ clear  _ boundaries and you cannot respect them, I need to ask you instead to  _ fuck out of my life.” _

Kobu stared in shock before glaring, “Okay! Shit, Shirabu!  _ Fine.  _ Before I go, lemme tell ya something about  _ you.  _ You are  _ so scared  _ of letting people in or them leaving you or hurting you or I don’t even fucking  _ know what.  _ We’ve been friends for  _ so long  _ but I still don’t know the first goddamn thing about you! You just push people away and away and guess what happens? They stop pushing back.  _ Then there’s no one left to push away.  _ No one left to say ‘fuck off’ to. You’re going to spend your life so sad and so alone and that  _ sucks.  _ Get your shit together, man.”

Shirabu huffed loudly as the door slammed behind his ex-friend. He pushed the heels of his palms into his eyes before sitting heavily in his desk chair and opening his homework up.

Around the time he was finishing his lunch alone in his room, his phone dinged about five times in a row. Shirabu furrowed his brow and picked it up then smiled at Goshiki’s number. He still hadn’t saved him as a contact, but that didn’t matter. He opened their text conversation and snorted with narrowed eyes.

**_[Unknown]:_ ** _ Shirabu! I got really depressed about potentially dying and had a brilliant idea. You know that episode of Spongebob where Spongebob is doomed to die by sundown? And he makes a list of things he wants to do? I’m going to do something like that within the next three months so there’s always something to look forward to! Any interest in helping me with my to-do list? _

**_[Unknown]:_ ** _ This could be us. _

**_[Unknown]:_ ** _ Attached: 3 Images. _

**_[Unknown]:_ ** _ No pressure, but if you say no, I’ll cry and make you a sweater from my tears. (I’m just kidding, it’s from the episode). _

**_[Unknown]:_ ** _ Also, sorry for the spam. ALSO, I used precious data to find those photos for you so even if you didn’t laugh, say you did. Okay, thanks _

Shirabu took a deep breath at his cavalier way of speaking about his own mortality. He shook his head and stumbled over a response.

**_[Shirabu Kenjirō]:_ ** _ 1\. That is a good idea. 2. I’ve never watched that show, but the photos supply enough context. 3. It depends entirely on what the list has on it. 4. Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha I laughed SO hard. If you come near me with your tears I’m packing you in a cardboard box and shipping you to a remote island on a garbage barge. _

**_[Unknown]:_ ** _ 1\. Ikr? 2. Loser. Tendo-san and I binged the whole thing a while ago. 3. Want to hear what I have so far? 4. You’re mean and too broke to pay that shipping cost. _

**_[Shirabu Kenjirō]:_ ** _ 2\. Really? Why? 3. Sure. 4. You can call me mean but I draw the line at broke. _

**_[Unknown]:_ ** _ 2\. He was offended that I’d never watched it before. 3. Okay, I’ll send you a picture of it. 4. Sorry, I don’t speak broke. _

**_[Shirabu Kenjirō]:_ ** _ Okay. _

**_[Unknown]:_ ** _ Attached: 1 Image. _

Shirabu opened the image and squinted at his small, neat writing. He had to zoom in considerably to make it out.

_ ‘1. Go to the humane society. _

  1. _Go to the beach (in the water)._
  2. _Play in the inter high._
  3. _Watch a really good movie with the entire team._
  4. _Finish the book with Shirabu._



_ 6.’ _

**_[Shirabu Kenjirō]:_ ** _ That’s a shockingly realistic list. I’ll do those things with you. Not the second one, though. _

He waited for a moment to get a response, then reopened the image of the incomplete list. He frowned as he noticed how many of the things he was involved in— even if most of them were team activities. He briefly wondered if Goshiki really didn’t have other friends. He watched that show with Tendō, but that was shocking to him. Plus, he was friends with the friends Shirabu no longer considered friends. He blinked over his painfully dry eyes as realization settled over him like a weighted blanket.

“He has more friends than I do.”

He swiftly placed his phone in the top drawer of his desk and returned to his long cold lunch.


End file.
